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| Just now getting started (N/A) |
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My dad died seven months ago. He was 86 (almost) and he had been declining. I knew it was coming. I watched from across the country as he would enter the hospital to get stabilized, come out feeling better and with a new resolve to do the therapy and exercise he needed to do to maintain his health. Time and again it happend. I knew, I just knew that he was dying slowly. Yet when the call came that Saturday morning at 7:00 am it was unbelievable. I still can't imagine that that he is dead. I went to the veiwing and saw him in his casket. (He looked pretty good.) I was deeply involved in his service. I did the eulogy. I watched him as they lowered the casket in the grave. I threw dirt on the casket. I know he is dead yet it is incomprehensible that he is not here. The man with the vice-grip hands, the calm demeanor, the rational answer for everything is dead.
It is seven months and I am just now getting past the numbness of it all. I know all about grief. I know it takes time, safe places, acknowledgement of the feelings & emotions and work to get through it all. I know that. But my heart is so far behind my brain. I want simply to sit and stare at a wall and feel all the yuck that I'm feeling, to let it wash over me and to wallow in it. I want to touch each part of it so that I can know that it is real and true.
Especially the anxiety. C.S. Lewis was right. Grief feels like fear. I feel afraid all the time.
Humm. Seven months. I thought I'd have been further down the stream now. But I guess not. I think I'll put my boat in the water and to quote an African prayer, "Dear Lord, be good to me. The sea is so wide and my boat is so small." |
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| Re: Just now getting started (N/A) |
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| Galen, at 7 months, the wounds are still fresh and sore. As you know there is no time line. I remember thinking after dad died--- that first Thanksgiving just after he died--- "the world is a different place." I now know that the world is the same, but MY world was changed forever. We don't think about forever much, but loosing someone close like this makes our little brains hurt trying to figure out what gone forever means. Even for those of us who have belief there will be a reunion someday, the present pain is at times overwhelming. |
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| Re: Just now getting started (United States) |
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| In 2 days my mother will have past away 1 month ago. It still doesn't seem real to me. I feel like I'm all alone but i know people go threw this everyday. I have a good support system but I still feel like they just don't get it. Yesterday in the mail I recieved the first book of Doug Manning's The Pain of Grief. It couldn't have come at a better time. I really thought something was wrong with me. This is the first real close family member that has died and i don't think i know what to expect and the gambit of emotions that come over me are mind boggling. That book made me realize just what I needed to know. It's OK to feel the way I do. |
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| Re: Just now getting started (N/A) |
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| Beth, My dad passed away on July 11th. Someone referenced that grieving is feeling like being hit by a truck. I've used that expression myself. During the funeral I just stood there, feeling like I was going to pass out. I told my mother that it was the moment that I had dreaded my whole life. Dad and I have always been close. Anything I would say or do he'd see the worth in it. He was a painter, a writer, and a loving father. I feel like I've had a limb cut off. Now I don't want to let my mother out of my sight. I call her a couple times a day and visit her a few times a week. I'm so afraid that something is going to happen to her. |
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