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| Starting to give up..... (United States) |
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My 17 year old daughter was killed this last February in a car accident driving home after school. Her 18th Birthday was in April and she was suppose to graduate from highschool in June. Her name was Britney. Britney was my daughter from my first marriage. Her and I had not been getting along of this last 9 months. She decided to live with her father who lives in a near by town. The school let out early due to snowy weathers So she gave a few friends a ride home and was driving to her fathers about 20 miles away. I was at the school picking up my younger son and seen Britney haveing a snowball fight in the parking lot. She looked so happy. I remember telling my son that its nice to see her smiling face. They said she lost control of her car due to the slippery roads and hit another car head on. She wasn't wearing her seatbelt and was thrown to the passenger side of the car. She was pernounced dead at the scene. I have terrible dreams that she is looking down on me begging me to help her. My mother is also in my dreams. My mother passed away in November from heart failure. Britney stayed by her side in the hospital and was very close to her. In my dreams she's trying to find her grandma but she can't find her. I blame myself for Britney's death. There are alot of things I should have done differently and had I done those things, I would have my daughter today.
Friends and family are trying to be here for me, but I just want to be left alone. I can't focus on anything but her. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. I'm very sensitive to everything around me. I hate myself and life in general. It's been hard to find anything positive. I have a 13 year old son with my husband who I feel has been the reason I'm still alive. But now it seems that's not even enough. I'm starting to feel he would be better off without me. I could ruin his life just like I did to my daughter.
I recieved a book from our Funeral Home that talks about grieving "The Dimensions of Grief". Parts of the book are things I've been through and are now starting to understand. But, the seasons are changing and I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to hold it together over the long winter. |
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| A word from Doug (United States) |
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Tammie.
I am sorry to hear about Birtney's death and the death of your mother just a few months before. When grief piles on top of grief especially when it is a child and a mother, the feelings come so hard and fast they sometimes just overwhelm us and leave us totally exhausted. When other problems are added to the mix then the grieving is more compounded. It is hard to know which feelings come from which loss. This can become a rage within us that needs to be released. If we cannot find a way to release the feelings they turn inward and we begin to blame ourselves for everything that happened and everything that might happen. Internalized anger can become guilt and self hate. It is impossible to diagnose another person's feelings from this distance, but that seems to me to be what is happening to you.
If so, then I beg you to hang on, these feelings can be worked through and you can feel like living again. It will not happen with one sudden flash of insight, but you can gradually sort out the feelings and work through them in a new way that does not lay all the blame on you.
I know you don't want to talk to anyone right now, but I urge you to make yourself do so anyway. Find someone who does grief counseling in your area or some group experience that you can participate with. Most hospices have such groups and even thought Britney was not one of their patients they will usually welcome other folks into their group. There may also be a group called The Compassionate Friends near you. They have also suffered the death of a child and can be a great source of help.
Continue tp write you feelings here in this forum. Writing helps order your mind and sort out your feelings. There is something about putting thoughts on paper that gives us insight into what we are really feeling. When you write, others who are experiencing things somewhat similar to what you are gong through can respond. No one really understands like someone who has been there.
Mostly, I want to say, don't give up. I promise you things can get better and you can want to live again. To not do so will be the most harmful thing you could do to your thirteen year old son. You keep writing and trying and I will do my best to respond.
doug
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| Re: Starting to give up..... (N/A) |
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| Tammie, Your love for Britney and longing to protect her and be near her ring out loud and clear. Do you feel like she would be okay now if she had been living home with you so it' must be your fault.? That is a horrible feeling to live with. I also lost a teenager at a low point in our relationship when he chose not to live at home. The guilt and regret was almost unbearable and I didn't have any control over it, it had control over me. I would pray my way out of bed in the morning and go through the day heavy hearted and agitated. But at about 18 months after he died it started to become less intense and more manageable. People around you have no idea how hard life is for you now. Even your son can't began to comprehend it. I hope and pray that you can cling to what you still have with all your might. You obviously have a great capacity for love, even though you may not feel it for awhile. Someday I believe you will find there are still good things in life. I deeply wish you didn't have to go through this. Becky |
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| Re: A word from Doug (United States) |
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| Thank you Doug! Kind word of encouragement are what get me through day to day. Writing this out has helped to make contact with individuals I feel understand me. I still feel like I could break at any moment, but I continue to live day to day. Today my feelings are all over the place. Frist day of school for my 13 year old. I could tell he struggled when it was time to take our yearly photo shot by the back door with the backpack. I know he was thinking of Britney and how she always stood right next to him. Thank you again for replying and I'll continue to write as I find the energy. |
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| Re: Starting to give up..... (United States) |
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| Thank you Becky. I can tell you've gone through this pain. And, I'm so sorry you had to deal with this also. It's encouraging to know that there are people who have made it through this. Today is especially hard being I had to take my son to his first day of school. Taking the yearly picture and driving him to the school was hard. I tried to hold it together until he was out of the car. I could sense his pain as well and will try to sit down and talk with him tonight to see how his day went. I feel my husband doesn't understand what I'm going through being Britney was from my previous marriage. I'm sure he misses Brit dearly, but not to the extent I deal with every day. I tried to explain what I'm going through, but he has no words to say. He doesn't know what to do for me, nor do I know what to say I need right now with my feelings all over the place. Thank you again for writing. I felt some relief from your email. |
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