It seems to me that we hit bottom in our grief and then find something within ourselves to start us clawing our way back to toward the surface. I think the driving force for this turn varies with every individual.

Several years ago a man told me how the death of his daughter had driven him, as he called it, "Close to the brink." He could not stop thinking about her and was breaking down day after day. One day it hit him that if, when his daughter was born, someone had told him he would only have her for eighteen years, would he have still wanted her to be born? His answer was a resounding YES and he said that kicked off his beginning the journey back toward living.

So, I tried that out on my next audience. I expected jumping and shouting from grateful people who had suddenly found an answer they could cling to. It fell flat. They just sat and looked at me with no change of expression and no jumping for joy. That is when I learned that each of us must find our own unique life line to grab when we hit the depths of our despair and pain. 

One person told of seeing a rainbow and somehow knowing the loved one was speaking words of comfort to them.

Another told of a cloud formation that did the same.

Several have found a sign when a butterfly landed on their shoulder and no one could ever convince them their loved one was not there in that butterfly.

A dear friend's husband had a ritual of putting a rigidly determined amount and type of coins in his pocket every day. On a visit A few weeks after his death, she stood beaming in the kitchen saying, "I found a penny on the kitchen floor, Bill was here." On a later visit she had found another penny in the driveway. Every penny meant he was with her and somehow watching over her.

Others have told me of some scripture that suddenly made everything clear. Most of the time, I cannot figure out how the scripture they quoted could possibly say what they heard it say. It said it to them, and that is all that matters.

I call these life lines. Logic would explain and dismiss almost all of them. Bill didn't leave pennies, clouds and rainbows appear on a very regular basis, everyone has had a butterfly land on them, and scriptures can be interpreted in hundreds of ways. None of that matters. All that matters is, these folks found a lifeline to grab just at the right time and they were able to use that line to pull themselves back toward living again. If the life lines accomplish that, who cares about logic or proper scripture interpretation? 

For those of us who want to help, the hard part is waiting for the rainbow or the butterfly or the scripture to come. I am walking with a bereaved father who just must be at or near the bottom. His pain is as deep as any I have seen. No words from me or anyone else can give him relief. Under pressure from friends and family, he asked his doctor about medication. The doctor was somewhat willing to prescribe some tranquilizers but told him it takes about three weeks for them to take effect. He is not sure he can last that long without some kind of relief. All I, or anyone, can do is be present. Listen to his agony, and pray for some butterfly or rainbow or thought or scripture or some other lifeline to arrive. Believe me, when one comes along, how logical or illogical it is will not matter at all.