One of the goals I had for these blogs was to have a place where we could discuss anything and everything with honesty and openness. There are some hidden corners in the grieving process that are rarely, if ever, disclosed or thought about. I got this email a few days ago and was given permission to share it with you: 

Thanks for your blog and info. I have looked for days and couldn't seem to find anything related to a middle aged man's loss of his wife, which is exactly where I am.  My dear wife died three weeks ago from a valiant four year battle with cancer. I loved and love her desperately. Daily I go to the cemetery to talk, cry and pray at least for a little while. She was a wonderful woman, my companion, my lover, and my champion. But now she is gone.  

Doug, my problem simply is this: I can't get my mind off of sex.  I'm fifty-two, in pretty good health and shape, but I think that the combination of my wife's illness for so long (the last time we enjoyed intimacy was in mid-February and it was very occasional then) plus my desire and need to touch her and also my need for comfort are making me particularly vulnerable. 

As I think back I realize that in all of our times of difficulty (job loss, loss of a pregnancy, etc.) my wife's physical relation to me was a great comfort, so perhaps I'm feeling a double whammy. The one I need comfort from the most in this grief is the one who is gone. I am not angry with her as she suffered so badly in those last months.  At times I am a little angry with God--I know He can take it, but mostly I am so lonely and so yearning for affection. 

There are at least two things at work in situations like this. The first and most unknown one is that most of us go into mating mode when a mate dies. It is not as crude as an animal going into heat but it is very similar. It does not happen to everyone of course but I have been amazed at how often I hear people report this. I remember a friend of mine who told me three weeks after the death of his wife that he was waking up in the night wondering who he could marry, and could not think of anything else. Then, three weeks after my wife died I started waking up wondering the same thing. I have no desire to marry, but there it was. I was in mating mode. I recognized this as normal and did not fight the feelings or thoughts. In time the urge to mate passed. I fear that far too many people do not recognize this as a normal part of the journey and interpret it as being ready to marry. 

The second issue is quite simple. God forgot to put a switch inside of us that would turn off the normal sexual drives. It sure would have been easier if He had done so. Those of us who have lost mates must face some very hard religious and ethical questions. Dating later in life after being married is a far different thing than it was when we were young and had tremendous pressures to help us either avoid sex or feel terribly guilty about it. There is no virginity to protect and far less barriers to sex. Each of us must come to our own conclusions and do so in a way that fits us and our values. With that said, we need to be tolerant of others who make the decisions and take actions we would not take.

I have a soap box I want to stand on in the near future concerning older couples who have long term relationships but choose not to marry. They love each other but do not want to complicate their lives nor their children’s inheritance by marrying. Got any ideas? If so let me hear from you.

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Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.