I have often wondered why some people, especially some men, marry very soon after the loss of a mate. I have several male friends who married in less than six months after the death of a well-loved wife they had been married to for many seemingly happy years.

I have companioned many women who seemed to suddenly have sexual drives and desires they found very surprising. One example was a deeply religious woman whose husband’s diabetes had made their sex life nonexistent for the last fifteen years of his life. She thought all of those feelings had died in her as well. Within weeks of her husband’s death she found herself in an affair with her husband’s best friend and could not understand what was happening to her, nor could she reconcile her actions with her religion. 

Part of the answer is that we are sexual creatures, created by God to participate and share. There is no switch inside of us that turns that need or desire off when a mate dies. There does. however, seem to be a switch that can turn it on.

I think it is biological. When a mate dies we are geared to go into mating mode. That is a built in instinct. I met with a friend three weeks after his wife died and he said, “I don’t know what is the matter with me, I wake up in the night wondering who I can marry. I don’t want to get married, why am I thinking about it in the night?” I, of course had the ready answer but I remember thinking he seemed to be rushing things a bit. Three weeks?

Then Barbara died, and sure enough three weeks after her death I began waking up wondering who I could marry. I do not want to get married. Fortunately, I recognized this as a normal biological instinct that did not mean I was ready to marry or even to begin dating. I call this the urge to merge and think it is important to know this urge will pass. I have walked with quite a few folks who went through a time of promiscuity that did not fit them in any way, and have watched that pass and they returned to being their normal selves. Too often with a load of guilt they have a hard time getting over.

If we do not realize these feelings and urges are normal we can find ourselves in relationships long before we are emotionally ready and following very natural urges while feeling far too much guilt. I think not understanding this is the leading cause of the marriage within months that happens.

There is no rule for when a person should begin dating. Everyone gets ready on their own schedule. Early dating does not mean the person did not love their mate, nor does waiting prove they did. Some folks are better at living alone than others. Some folks function better in a relationship than they do alone. I have always told folks to date when they felt like doing so and let the folks talk if they want to. But there are some things to say for some delay.

I have a very close friend who I have talked with and to for years. She became my sounding board when Barbara died. Neither of us expected anything to come from our conversations but suddenly they started leaning toward more than just comfort. She was most gracious and understanding when I explained to her that I was not ready for anything like that. I was bothered by the fact that I was spending too much time thinking about what was happening and how to handle it instead of dealing with the feelings and pain of my loss. It became a distraction. Maybe the need of a distraction leads us into too early involvements, but I really wanted to just concentrate on my loss and the transitions I was facing even if doing so was painful and an escape seemed a welcomed relief. I want to walk through my grief, not escape from it.

I had lunch with a friend who married within three months of the death of his wife. He told his story in great detail and seems to be quite happily married. As we prepared to depart, he suddenly ask me how long it takes to grieve the loss of a mate. I told him the rule of thumb everyone uses is that grief last a minimum of two years which doesn’t mean we hurt for that long it just means it takes that long to work through all of the emotions and transitions involved. Then I said I think it may take longer if we marry very soon after the death. He immediately agreed with that statement. He was happily married, but where could he go to grieve the loss of his wife? His current wife certainly doesn’t want to hear about how much he hurts over the loss. 

To me the bottom line is, I want to do things one at a time and in order. Grief hurts but I want to concentrate on that journey without an escape or a diversion until I know I have given myself the time and the permission to grieve.