I have always known there is no such thing as “normal” on the grief journey. Everyone responds in their own way and with the intensity that fits their personality. Those who respond with great intensity and tears do not miss their loved one any more than those who seem to be more stoical and show less emotion. Neither does this prove how much they loved the person. It is impossible therefore to structure how we are suppose to feel or respond to any part of the journey. We can list some tendencies that seem to be present most of the time, but even with these we cannot predict how any one person or family will respond.

A good example happened yesterday. It was my wife’s birthday. I have known that grief is a series of firsts. The first month, the first Christmas, the first birthday, any first time seems to impact us and can turn us into basket cases of shattered emotions and tearful eyes. I woke up realizing it was her birthday. I had not thought about it as the day approached which surprised me. Most folks report dreading those days, some times for weeks prior to the event, and then finding the anticipation of the day worse than the day itself. Not me. The day came almost as a surprise. 

I lay in bed for a while thinking about her and her birthday. I was waiting for pain to happen and tears to flow but I felt very little. I had not felt much for the past few days and was almost worrying about my lack of doing so. There is a thing called “the feel bad because you feel bad syndrome.” When we begin to think there is something wrong with us because of the way we feel. I began to think I was in the “feel bad because you don’t feel bad syndrome.” I was not feeling as bad as I expected or thought I should. 

I did the normal routines of morning and then opened my computer. One of my daughters had posted a picture of her mother and a note of how much she missed her. The grief of my children tears my heart and I began to cry. Emails began to arrive thinking of me on this day and remembering my wife and telling of her impact on their lives and I was almost in the floor for the rest of the day.

When my daughter heard me tell about her posting the picture she said she was sorry. I told her not to be sorry, the tears felt wonderful. It had been too long and they had built up far too deep within me and she provided a way for them to be released. It sounds weird to say it but I had a wonderful and enjoyable day crying my eyes clean.

A long time great friend spent the week-end with me. He happens to be a psychologist but also happens to be sane. We talked a great deal about how we react to loss. His wife died several years ago so he knows where I am. I told him I did not seem to be reacting like I expected and we talked about how both of us have been involved in counseling others most of our adult lives. That work requires us to hold our emotions in and learn to function no matter what is going on. If that is the pattern of our lives then holding our emotions during our own grief would be expected as well. My responses are not typical, but the point of this post is NO ONE’S RESPONSES ARE TYPICAL. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TYPICAL. 

In 1980 I wrote Don’t Take My Grief Away From Me. One quote in that book says, “Feel what you feel. You can’t change how you feel so relax and just feel the feelings that are there.” Thirty years later I have no better advice than that. I think I need to listen to myself.

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