IS IT JUST ME?
I have spent the last thirty five years trying to understand what people think and feel during their times of intense grief. During that time my parents and my wife’s parents have died and a grandson lived only thirty-four hours so some of my search has been inward trying to understand my own feelings and reactions. Most of what I know, or think I know, however has come from listening to others, both individually and in group settings. As most of you know, my wife of fifty-seven years died Sept. 25th and the search has become far more inward and painful.
I do not want this web sight to become all about me and my journey but there are some thoughts and feelings that I want to explore with a wider audience and hope to find that possibility with these posts.
I have always known there is no such thing as “normal” grief. We respond to our grief in our own unique way, but the downside of that is we have no way of knowing if we are responding like we should or are thinking in a somewhat rational manner. Who knows how we should feel or what we should think? I thought maybe we could create some honest discussion by my throwing out how I am thinking and reacting and asking as many readers as possible to email me how they feel. I know some will disagree, some will agree and some will go ballistic, but the collection of thoughts will help us understand our differences and perhaps give some of us who think we are going crazy some relief. I call these posts the “Is it just me?” series.
REACTING TO RELIGIOUS PLATITUDES
IS IT JUST ME?
I am a religious person. I currently lead worship each Sunday for a small house church and have been a minister for well over fifty years, but somehow the constant barrage of religious piety surrounding the death of my wife has been a turn off at best and sometimes made me angry.
If everyone who says they are praying for me actually do so, God is going to have His hands full. Why do I think that is just something they say because they do not know any other way to close a conversation or a letter? In an overwhelming majority of cases, these are the last words I will hear from them. No phone calls, no invitations to lunch or dinner, no mention of the loss when I see them again.
I have heard people say they could feel people praying for them. Is that just something we are suppose to say? Or do some folks actually feel prayers being said? I do not feel that. Is it just me?
Some have told me that I will feel God’s loving arms surround me and be closer to Him than I could ever imagine. I really haven’t seen any change in how I feel or relate to God. My prayer life has remained constant, although I have a hard time concentrating and my emotions are sometimes rather flat, I do not feel closer nor further apart. Is it just me?
Folks seem to assume that a lot of talk about heaven automatically heals grief. I am sure it will change in time, but right now I have no sense of her being anywhere. All I know is she is not here and that leaves a hole in my life that nothing can fill. Is it just me?
If I get one more inspirational email that is suppose to make me all better and full of joy, I think I will scream. These things have always seemed rather shallow or even silly to me, now they seem to mock and trivialize my pain. Is it just me?
I am not angry at folks nor mad at God. People are just trying to help and my relationship to God is vital. It just seems that there are so many religious platitudes that bombard us during our grief journey. We tend to feel almost compelled to agree with them whether we actually feel what the platitude says we should feel. We are left wondering if there is something wrong with us or our faith because we do not feel what the platitude said we would or should. Maybe it is time for some honesty in this area. I hope you will join in and help us find it.
Email me your thoughts at doug977@gmail.com. I will compile the responses and we will have a great time talking it out together. Or perhaps it really is just me!
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Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.