There is not a Bah or a Humbug anywhere in my body. I have always loved Christmas. My family has always made this day the most joyous day possible. Grandchildren enjoying their gifts. Family being together and loving one another. Pausing to light a candle for a grandson who was born on Christmas Eve and died Christmas day sixteen years ago. I always give the grandchildren money at Thanksgiving and ask them to use it to help someone. The reports at our Christmas gathering never fail to fill me with pride and joy. And yet, I wish I could sleep through this Christmas. This is the first one after the death of my wife three months ago and I really do not want the day to come.

How can a person be merry with a heart that is broken?

Who cares if the bells jingle or if Rudolph’s nose is red?

The chestnuts can go ahead and burn up in the open fire

And Jack Frost can nip at someone else’s nose.

I will be home for Christmas, but I will be home alone.

I won’t really be alone, the family will be there. 

The traditions will be the same.

But all of those out there reading this who have lost a love this year

know what it is to be alone, even in a crowd. Even in a loving crowd.

But I don’t want to be a wet blanket smothering the joy out of the rest of the family. Nor do I want them to be worried about me and constantly watching to see how I am doing. So I need to lay some plans for getting through the season in some semblance of sanity. So far I have tried the following.

First,I decided what I can and want to do and made my decision clearly known. I want to do a minimum of decorating the house and have done just that. I have always made a pot of stew for Christmas and for some reason I really want to do so this year. If I did not want to I would have simply said no stew this year. We changed Thanksgiving totally this year simply because I said I was not up to all the things we normally do, and it worked very well. The point of all of this is that we should stop and think through what we can do and what we want to do and should do just that and nothing more. But that takes some thinking and some announcing. Far too often we float into involvement we are not ready for and then feel pressure to perform. 

Second, I have thought out how I want to honor her this Christmas. I found just the right candle to light and keep burning during our time together. There is something about a special candle that says she is with us and she is not nor will she ever be forgotten. 

I have always written a Christmas letter from what I have called The Clan Of The Old Bear. You can guess who the old bear refers to. Writing helps order the brain and somehow getting our thoughts on paper helps us in our grieving process. I don’t know that everyone should write their thoughts in a Christmas letter nor that they should share their thoughts with the world or with anyone, but it helped me to let the world know who she was and what she meant to me. 

It may not be appropriate for me to share those thoughts here, I don’t want this blog to become all about me and my journey, but if my sharing encourages someone else to write their thoughts and be blessed in the process then maybe the rest of you will forgive me for doing so. I wrote,

The old bear lost more than just his mate

He lost more than half of who he was

When folks tease and call their mates the better half

The old bear always said she was his better three quarters.

And she was in so many ways

Quietly supporting content to never be noticed or praised

She sat on the front row to hear speeches she knew by heart

And laugh at old jokes that long ago stopped being funny

Quietly navigating him when his eyes grew dim without one time making him feel old or weak

They made long and tiring journeys 

That become precious memories

Simply because they were together

Quietly offering the ears that made hurts and pain disappear

And problems that looked like mountains

Become climbable because she listened

And joined in the climb

Quiet was just who she was

Quietly loving

Quietly supporting

Quietly giving of herself

She was the personification of the power of quiet presence.

And the Old Bear?

He is sad but not depressed

Lonely but not alone

Functioning without her being here to support

Being lifted up by friends and the wonderful clan

He walks his journey in gratitude

Grateful that he had fifty seven years with the finest person he ever met

Grateful for being accepted warts and all

Grateful for laughing at least once every day she was here

Fifty seven years with Barbara

is grounds for gratitude.

My hope and prayer for everyone who reads these post is, that you will find the support you need to survive the day, enjoy what you can, and survive the rest. Feel free to email me your thoughts and concerns at doug977@gmail.com

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Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.