Her story is like hundreds of others I have listened to. She took care of her husband long past the time when it was healthy for her to do so. The children and his siblings would drop by to visit for a while but never seemed to notice her burden. Friends would ask about her husband’s health and show concern for him, but no one ever asked how she was holding up, and rarely did anyone ask what they could do to give her some relief. She labored on not even realizing that there is grief in long term care. I call it slow grief because it builds gradually over time. I could also call it hidden grief because it is rare when anyone notices or expresses any gratitude.

There is grief in long term care. I have asked audiences to name the things they have lost during the ordeal and the list is almost endless. They range from intimacy to what one woman called  spontaneity, she could not go buy a loaf of bread without making plans for her husband’s care while she was gone. Like my friend, so many folks have suffered in silence as they almost killed themselves in care. Many actually did kill themselves in care. It is amazing how many caregivers die before the ones they are caring for.

Now her husband is gone, and no one seems to notice or acknowledge the care she gave. She does not crave the notice but there seems to be a building resentment that no one does notice. Her work, her care, her burden all seem lost in the past and all that matters now is grieving the death of her husband.

Her grief is made more complicated by the feelings and frustrations she had to swallow during the time she was dominated by the need to give care. She just buried them and went on, now she needs to acknowledge the feelings and frustrations and talk her way through them, but where can she go to find someone who is sensitive enough to even broach the subject to? How do you say, “I gave myself totally to his care and now it would feel very good for someone to notice and express some gratitude for a job well done?” 

Gratitude seems to be a rather rare commodity especially when folks are trying to survive their own pain. If I could use the stories about Jesus without sounding preachy, there was a case when he healed ten lepers. He told them to go show themselves to the priest and as they went they began to be healed. One returned to thank Him and He asked “Where are the nine?” The longer I live the more I realize that is probably the correct percentage of folks who can get their minds off of themselves long enough to notice and express gratitude. About one in ten. I have walked with people through their pain for many years. I do not call what I do counseling. I call it companioning and I do so without pay. I have watched as folks get better they often just stop coming to see me. It is rare that any of them come back to express thanks. I do not get my feelings hurt over this. I recognize that when folks are dealing with pain they are dominated and overwhelmed with that process and nothing else seems to matter.

That means it is going to be very difficult for my friend to find someone or some place where she can tell the story of her care and have someone understand what she felt, what she feared. Why she felt guilt in the midst of her caring, what she lost and what it cost her in physical health. I wish there was someone or some place near each person who reads this, but I know that is not so. If you read this and it fits where you are, may I suggest that you write out your story anyway. Writing helps order your mind and gets some of the feelings to the surface where you can deal with them. You are welcome to email your stories to me. I have a wonderful group of folks that communicates with me through email. You can also post your story on the chat room and perhaps others who are floating in the same river will respond.