One of the sad truths about grief is that we not only lose a loved one, but, many times we lose friends as well. I talk a lot in these posts about finding safe people. We need people who feel safe to us. People we don’t have to worry about how they think. People who will just listen and not try to fix us. One would expect our old friends would be the most likely candidates for that job. We know them well, they know our situation so we do not have to explain it or describe it. They are usually the first to offer their support, and they may well be upset and not understand if they do not become the chosen ones to walk beside us.

But, knowing them may be a problem. We know how they have reacted to other folks who were facing a loss. They may not have been as understanding then and perhaps we were a part of that. No one really understands until the experience itself teaches us. We might have even seen a sense of judgement toward others who have suffered some tragedy and are now embarrassed by being in the same boat now. There are a lot of dynamics involved in feeling “safe” around old friends. The most important of these dynamics is that grief changes almost everything about us and we no longer fit. I received and email this week-end that expresses it better than I can. Here is a paragraph of that email.

I went out to dinner last night with three girlfriends. My husband and I had belonged to this group of 6 couples who met once a month to play cards. We each had the rest of the group to our houses twice a year. They have continued to meet since he died and I have not wanted to go. Last night instead of having the whole group together, 3 of the ladies said they would just take me out to dinner so I could get back in the swing of hanging out with the group. It was not a good idea - we no longer live in the same world. You sometimes just can't go backward - or even forward with the same people. I quickly learned that saying my husband’s name was like saying a dirty word. I told you in my last note that I had recently returned from my son's college graduation. Those 3 ladies could truly NOT understand when I said I had just an ok time - not terrible, but not good. It really was not in their abilities to understand that I would be sad about something that was to be happy. I don't blame them for not living in my world - it's my world that has changed - not theirs. But I no longer feel a need to make excuses for their behaviors either; for their lack of compassion; for their judgmental attitude that I have not moved on. They made a comment when we left that there would be no more card nights if I wasn't coming...In my head I said, "well then guys your card playing days are over cuz I'm not coming" - out loud I said "thank you". And I know in their heads when they said that, they were thinking "well we better find another couple to take her place"...and I am ok with that. Things change, people change, circumstances change. I came home and went on The Care Community and read and know that I don't want to become a hermit - I will keep looking for a safe place to be who I am now, but that safe place is not with them.

Three old friends feels more like a team-up than a safe place. They must have reeked with condescension and pity. The hardest thing to understand, for folks who have never had to face grief, is that just getting back to doing the same things they once did is not a cure. It is an act not a joy. Grief makes us almost incapable of dealing with small talk and meaningless activities. The day may come when she will enjoy card games again, but not now. 

My friend like most others who have lost the love of their lives, must seek out new people who will listen to the stories with new ears and simply try to understand what she is feeling. That has proven to be hard for her. She lives in a small town with no grief support groups available. It has been a sad and lonely search trying to find new friends that fit the new life she is now living. She has already said she will be one of the first participants in the live chat room we are trying to get set up and start. It has taken us much longer than we thought but we want to do it right when we open for sharing. Maybe we can be a distant safe place for some folks who need new friends and can’t find them.