I remember some group finally allowing me to speak about the grief following a miscarriage or a stillbirth. That was a rare experience since most people consider this minor grief that passes rather quickly. At the end of my speech a woman said her twins had died at birth twenty-five years ago and that her friend sitting next to her at the meeting was hearing about them for the first time. She said the meeting was the first time she had heard that it was alright to grieve the death of a child at birth.

Kathy Burns has just published a wonderful book for people in this kind of grief. The title is Memories Too Few: A Letter to Parents About Pregnancy Loss and it can be purchased online in the resources section. I asked her to write a post for us. Many of us have not suffered such a loss, but almost all of us know someone who has and knowing how to respond is vitally important. 

Kathy’s post:

My son, Isaac, was premature and only lived 34 hours. Well-meaning friends did their best to comfort me. Unfortunately, it is at times like these that we discover that very few people really know what to say to help a friend in grief. I have come up with some basic rules that I hope will be of some help.

The Number One rule to remember is: There is no silver lining. Some of the most hurtful things that can be said are actually attempts to look for the silver lining. I heard:

• You can always have another baby.

• At least you had not already become attached.

• At least you know Isaac is in heaven, you never know what would have happened if he had lived.

I also had a friend that was told she was one of the lucky ones, because she would have a baby to rock in heaven.

Excuse me, but those are cruel things to say. How can you possibly look at a grieving mother and tell her she is lucky? And how does one so lightly dismiss the baby that died? Yes, many women go on to have another child after a loss, but the new child never replaces the one that was lost.

The second rule is: Be Available. I had a dear friend that met me for lunch once a week for many months. She knew all the things I was going to say. She had heard the story about Isaac over and over, but she continued to meet me for lunch and never once indicated she was tired of hearing about Isaac. I knew she was safe. I could talk to her, I could cry, I could tell her things I did not tell anyone else and knew that she would never break that trust. She did not try to get me to see the silver lining, she did not have any words of wisdom. She offered a shoulder to cry on and that was what I needed.

The third rule is: Say the Baby’s Name. There was never a time I was more grateful to my friends and family than when they would mention Isaac by name. I longed to hear his name and that he was important and significant to their lives. There would often be times when I was hesitant to talk about Isaac. I was afraid that people were weary of hearing about him and wanted to talk about more cheerful subjects. When they said his name, or brought him up in a conversation, they were giving me permission to talk about him. I did not usually talk long, but it helped to get his name in the room. Even if the baby does not have a name, find a way to mention him/her in the conversation and give the grieving parent an opportunity to talk if they want to.

There is no minor grief. It all hurts, sometimes more than you think you can stand. Friends can help just by doing what Doug always says, “People in grief need the 3 H’s: Hang Around, Hug ‘em, and Hush.”

_________

Kathy's book, Memories Too Few, is available at www.InSightBooks.com. 

Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.