I am currently corresponding with several readers who have taken advantage of the special email address posted here. The day may come when the volume overwhelms me and I will be forced to stop, but so far it has been something I enjoy and learn from. One of my email friends sent me this note last week. It took me almost all day to come down off of the ceiling and get my emotions together enough to respond. What she has experienced and what she is feeling is what really happens to far too many folks and is one of the hardest parts of grief to handle and understand. She wrote:
The most amazing part of this journey is the feelings of abandonment. I recently remembered two specific events that have given me pause this week. About 12 years ago the husband of a friend of mine died while waiting for a liver transplant. She had 2 boys - ages 12 and 6 and she had to work full time and she was in very deep grief like I am now. So every week for months, I took time off from work to go clean her house while she was at work. She didn't have the time or energy to do it, so she gave me a copy of her key and I cleaned so she wouldn't have to even think of putting that on her to do list. I did this weekly for a least six months. About a year after this another friend's child died at 1 year of crib death; she had a 6 year old son and she was having a hard time; so I fed them - regularly for a long long time. Now I had completely forgotten about those two events until this week and what I remembered this week is that both of those women came to Marc's memorial service and said to me that they remembered how much I had done to help them through their difficult times and that they would be here to support me through mine. Neither one has even called me one time. I can clean my house and I don't have a young child to feed, but a phone call wouldn't hurt...
Thanks for listening. I hope your week is fulfilling and peaceful.
Now you know why I was on the ceiling and shedding tears. That is such a sad note. How could this sort of thing happen? How could it happen often enough that I am not totally shocked?
Those who study the Bible will remember that Jesus healed ten men who were afflicted with leprosy, the most devastating disease of that day. One of the men came back to say thank you. One in ten is not very good odds, but I sometimes wonder if grieving people meet even that low standard. I had to learn that lesson when I began walking with people in grief. When they get past the deep pain, they tend to just not show up for their appointments and disappear without a word. After giving it some thought I began to realize some basic truths about grieving people.
People in grief live on survival level. That looks like selfishness but it isn’t. All they can think of or have energy enough to worry about is their own survival. It rarely dawns on them to stop and notice what is being done for them or that they need to show gratitude.
The grieving process leaves us fearful and vulnerable. Perhaps the reason the two people have not responded to my friend is their fear of bringing it all back for them. I have had folks I spent a great deal of time and effort trying to help avoid any contact with me after they have began to cope with the loss. I don’t take that personal nor does it hurt me in any way, I recognize that I bring up memories they are trying to forget.
It may be that the two friends intended to respond but delayed doing so because of the fear of reliving the pain. The delay stretched on until there was no way to ever explain why they have not already called so the call never comes.
Now those explanations do not make my friend feel any better. The abandonment still hurts and will continue to do so. I put them here with the hope that someone who is abandoning a person who once helped them will read the words and go make the call, late or not, just call.
Not to do so is to miss one of the vital but forgotten steps in the grief journey. To me the most powerful step in the recovery program offered by AA is the twelfth. That step says when you get through the rough part of the journey you turn back and help someone else on theirs. AA members who take that seriously do much better than those who do not. Grieving people who dare to turn back and try to help someone else find a level of healing I am not sure can come from any other source. My friend hurts because she has been abandoned, but those two women are missing the last big step in their own healing.
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