The night before my grandmother’s funeral my father suggested that we go have a visit with her. We went to the funeral home, sat beside her body, and told stories for two hours. I do not remember much about her funeral but I will always remember and cherish that night. I did not realize it at the time but that night had a tremendous impact on my grief journey. 

It broke down the barriers between us. Families tend to hide their grief from each other in an effort to protect the other family members. This can result in the death becoming the elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge or talk about. We got rid of the elephant that night and realized that nothing is more healthy or healing than a family openly grieving and supporting each other.

That night guaranteed that my grandmother would never die. No one is dead until they are forgotten and that one night meant she would never be forgotten. We told those same stories about her every time that part of the family was alive and could get together. I often said that I not only knew what stories would be told, I knew the order in which they would be told. 

Since the family telling stories was so meaningful to me, I started trying to provide a like experience for most of the families I served. I get them to set a time and place, get them started and listen in on a wonderful healing experience. Last year a couple told me that I had provided such an experience for them and they had wanted to thank me ever since but our paths had not crossed so they could do so. After they were gone I realized the funeral they were referring to happened in 1975 and they still remembered the story telling time.

Unfortunately, most of the folks reading this post did not have such an event when their loved one died, but it is never too late to do so. The stories are valid and healing even long after the funeral. Anytime the family gets together is a good time for this kind of sharing. It is hard to organize of course. Someone has to take the lead and announce well in advance that a special family time will be offered. These kind of experiences never just happen. There are too many interruptions and the whole group is rarely there, but if a set time is announced and a place is arranged away from the home some wonderful stories can be shared. Setting a time and a place away formalizes the event in people’s minds and makes it take on a new importance. They are much more likely to come ready to talk.

If anyone out there gives this a try please write me and tell me how it was organized and what happened. I am convinced it takes a family to grief a loss and this is a great way to involve the family in the process.

If the loved one was cremated, having a family story telling time as part of the gathering to place the ashes in their final resting place can be of great value in the healing process.

I bumped into a special use for the family story telling time just last week. A funeral director told me of a family whose little girl is missing without a trace. The sheriff told the family they should have a funeral, but they are far from being ready to do anything that final and won’t be until they find out what happened to their daughter. The family feels totally lost and have approached the funeral director for guidance. I told him about the family story telling time and suggested that the family have a family memory time when they gather to talk about the girl and grieve with one another. It takes a family to grieve a loss, but it takes something to bring them together and get rid of the elephants so they can grieve as a unit in front of one another. Within the family there should be no hidden tears.