Since I started giving my email address I have been receiving more and more correspondence from readers and loving every minute of it. I am working to produce a chat room where we can meet at a set time each week and do instant messaging not just with me but with anyone who wishes to log on and participate. I hope it will be sort of a virtual grief group experience and give people a safe place to let it all hang out.
One of my recent emails came from a woman whose son died in an accident in recent months. We have corresponded back and forth several times but I had not heard from her in a while. Then she wrote:
I feel like in the past month I have taken some giant steps back to where I was shortly after my son died. As it gets closer to his birthday this month I feel like I am spiraling back down into the intense waves of grief again. I'm really not sure how I'm going to do on that day. Part of me says to be alone, part of me says it would be better to be with people or family, part of me says I should do something constructive out of respect and in his memory, but I don't really know what. I was never able to arrange a family meeting so I don't even know how to talk to my family about that day. Any advice you could give me on coping strategies for that day would be greatly appreciated.
The grief journey is a process of facing the first. The first birthday, the first anniversary, the first Thanksgiving and Christmas, and the personal first like your own birthday. Any time that had special meaning between you and your loved one becomes a difficult time to be faced.
The anticipation of the day can be worse than the day itself. The anticipation usually starts about a month before the event. Usually we do not notice it at first, we just start being a little more irritable and touchy. There can be a unexplained sense of foreboding in the back of our minds and we feel on edge. Gradually we realize a birthday or some other event is coming and we begin worrying about what we should do on that day. We have no idea how we will feel but assume we will fall apart so that limits the possibilities for the day. We dare not plan to be much in public in case we cannot handle it, but have no idea whether we can or not. Not being sure and not being able to plan adds to the tension and even some fear.
In the email, it seemed that most of her struggle was with not knowing what she will be able to do on that day. She is torn between trying to do something memorable to honor her son and thinking maybe she should just plan on crawling off into a corner where no one can see her. She does not know how to plan because she has no idea what she will be able to do.
Actually, a great deal of the time, the day itself is not as bad as the anticipation has been. Most often I hear folks say how they dreaded the day and were so afraid and the day itself was almost an anticlimax.
I suggested to my friend that she think through what she really feels will be the most helpful way for her to spend the day and decide to spend the day in whatever way that is indicated. I then suggested that she not broadcast her plans to very many people. Matter of fact that she tell as few people as possible. Telling people locks us in and does not allow for flexibility. She should make her plans but leave plenty of room for a change of mind without having to explain the change to anyone. When she gets up that morning she should be free to go with her plan if she feels like it or go hide in a corner if that is how she feels that day.
Having a plan and having flexibility built into the plan can relieve a great deal of the anxiety and anticipation. Deciding on a plan relieves the mind from trying to decide. Knowing the plan is not set in stone relieves the tension and worry of whether or not we will feel like doing the plan when the day comes.
The days I call “The First” are tough enough without having to worry in advance about how we will feel when the time comes. The grief journey is best walked one day at a time without expectations or demands.
__________
Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.