Her husband died about a year and a half ago. They had been happily married for more than sixty years. Even though he had lived past eighty years, his death still seemed to be too soon and too sudden. He suffered a rather long illness and one would think she would have done a lot of her grieving before he died, and she did grieve, of course, but there is no way to know the depths of a grief ahead of time. He lingered for a time before he died so one would think she had time to prepare, but his death still came as a shock. We just can’t get prepared no matter how much warning nor how ominous the signs. Death always comes as a shock.

She is the oldest sibling in the family but is the last one to lose their mate, so she is set up for comparisons to see who does the best job of handling their grief. Somehow we can’t seem to understand that everyone goes through grief in their own unique way. Grief is as unique as a finger print so their can be no comparisons. Some folks work through their grief faster or at least appear to do so. We have no idea how much they are hiding and putting on a good front, but they seem to move through rather smoothly. Others take much longer and seem to show much more emotion in the process. We rarely consider that some folks show more emotion in every aspect of life than others. Some are more demonstrative about everything especially grief.

Grief is not a contest. It is a mountain that must be climbed with no competition to see who can get to the top in the shortest amount of time. In her case those kinds of comparisons were inevitable.

Her physician referred her to me. He said she was “wallowing” in her grief. I cannot express how much I dislike that word. People aren’t wallowing in grief a year and a half after a husband of sixty years dies. They are on a journey and it is far from over. The doctor had been contacted by a sibling who convinced him that she should be “Over It” by now. Don’t get me started on that phrase. We do not get “Over It” in grief. We learn to cope with our loved one not being here, but we never get “Over It.”

She arrived at my office totally convinced there was something very wrong with the method and pace of her grieving. She was still crying a lot and said she just didn’t want to do anything. She did not seem to care about the things she should care about and was convinced she never would get past her grieving. She too was making comparisons with how her siblings grieved the loss of their mates and was convinced she was not doing hers right at all.

When I explained that no one could be wallowing in their grief a year and a half after the death of a husband they had loved for sixty years. I hesitate to put time limits on grief other than to say I think the hard part of the journey takes at least two years and can take much longer depending on so many variables we dare not try to list them. It lasts as long as it lasts and we should have permission to grieve it as long as it takes. PERIOD.

We then explored the fact that grief not only brings sadness it brings numbness at the same time. The depression that accompanies grief usually expresses itself in detachment. We just can’t care about much of anything. We may want to care, but we have no emotions to care with. They are all being used up in the grieving process. I explained that the feeling would return. One day she would care again, but for now she must function without the ability to really care. That is one of the toughest parts of the process.

The real lesson I hope you discover in this case is that that there are bi patterns to grief. There are no time tables and there certainly are no comparisons to be made. You need to grieve just like you do everything else in your life. Grieve with the same passions you show when watching a sporting event. Express grief with the same freedom and emotion you use to respond to the normal problems of life. Do it your way and you are doing it right. 

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