I am convinced that almost every family has at least one unblessed child. A child who for some reason does not feel they have ever met the parents expectations or measured up to the other children in the home. I am not referring to the dysfunctional homes where all of the children are not just unblessed but are often abused. We will write about the grief following the death of an abusive parent in future posts. This one is dedicated to those who came from very fine families but never felt they were as loved as the other children. This is not always caused by the parents failure to show love or by their partiality to the other children. Quite often these feelings come from siblings who never accept the one child as an equal.

Far too often the unblessed child spends their life working to attain the blessing and most usually never finding it. Some of them rebel and become the angry children who are always in trouble and sometimes ruin their lives in the effort to “get even” for how they were treated. Most stay home and continue serving in the hope that they one day will be among the blessed. Their willingness and even need to work is an open invitation for the family to manipulate them and pile on more and more work. The unblessed child is usually the one chosen or appointed to be the primary care giver when the parents are in need. This happens because they are most likely the one child still living near their parents. They can’t seem to leave until the blessing comes. If they have moved away, they find it hard not to move back when the need for care arises. They also take on the task of care hoping this will earn the blessing. It doesn’t work that way.

The only “cure” for the unblessed child is for the child to stand up and say, ”This is me you must decide whether or not you will love me just as I am. If you do, wonderful. If not, I will live without it. I am not going to spend one more day chasing a rainbow with no pot of gold at the end.” I was an unblessed child. The day came when I no longer cared what the family thought of me. I do not know how I got to that place, and I was not there in anger. I just no longer cared. After that, I built a great adult to adult relationship with my parents. 

What happens when an unblessed child’s parent dies before the blessing is given or the need for the blessing is outgrown? The grief becomes a complicated mess of ambivalent feelings. Anger on the one hand and sadness on the other. An overwhelming sense of there being unfinished agendas that will never be met. 

Most of the time, there is no way for them to deal with these feelings. The siblings will usually deny and even make fun of the fact that the person feels unblessed. They will trivialize any thing that is said. It is hard to find a group of like minds and hearts. Too often we write and talk about grief from the preset idea that every parent that dies was wonderful and loved. Where can we go to talk openly and honestly about the parents or families who do not fit that model?

The unexpressed anger and hurt must find someplace to focus and most usually the unblessed child turns it all in on themselves. After all they have always been the bumbling one who made the mistakes. They end up with a tremendous feeling of guilt which is really not guilt. It is internalized anger and frustration. 

I would love to write a book about grief and the unblessed or abused children. May I call on those who read these post to help me do so? If you are an unblessed or abused child whose parents have died, would you share your story with me and give me the right to use parts of what you write in a book? I will protect your identity fully. Matter of fact I will combine your story into others so no one story could be recognized by anyone. Since this situation impacts so many people, I think a book on the subject is long overdue. If you are willing to be a part of this project please email me your story at doug977@ gmail.com Thank you.

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Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.