I was all set to write a post this morning when I received the following comment. It was sent anonymously so I have no way of answering directly and it is so important I wanted everyone to read what she has to say. It was attached to a post that long ago was placed in the archives so no one would see it if I responded to her there. I like to have someone’s permission before printing their responses but I have no way of contacting her except through these post. I hope she understands.

I wish her comments could be posted on the bulletin board of every church in the world. She reminds me of the man who called me aside in his church and said, “My son was murdered four years ago, and I became the invisible man in the church.” Of all the places where safe people should abound it is there, and too often that is the last place to look.

She said:

I also lost my husband. He was taken and in the words of the detectives "executed". They say he was a young man at the wrong place at the wrong time. Faith, well it's not there. That night I prayed like I never had before. I was sure he would be found. Maybe hurt, but alive. He is a believer and his faith is infinite. So how come he left and in that way? How come his murderers are still out and haven't been caught. Everyone says that they will pay when it comes time for them to face God, but they are still here (don't know who), on this Earth. They get to laugh, be with their family, and enjoy life. While my husband or we don't get the company, the safety, the love, the history, we don't get anything. A friend with whom you feel safe, haven't found one yet. The ones I thought would be there haven't even dropped by. When I try to talk to friends or even family, everyone always tries to compare their pain to mine. How can they compare, some got to say good-bye, or it was an accident, old age, or even health. What ever the reason, I hurt, it really hurts. He left and I still wait for him every night. I know he is gone, but if there is a God, then there is no way he could have taken somebody like my husband. Not that way. Everything changed, and I feel I still have to say the nice things about our faith, when actually my faith is no longer 

there. We have a 9 year old daughter, big believer. I feel I am lying to her, to myself.  

I ache as I write, I cannot begin to fathom your pain nor understand your loss, but I ache for you to have someone to walk beside you and try to understand. The normal thing might be for me to try to defend God and restore your faith, but that is far down the list of your major needs. In time your faith might return. It will probably lose all the magic stuff we were raised to believe in, but it may return. If not, you will most likely end up joining the vast numbers of us who claim to be spiritual but not religious. I hope it does return, but right now I am most concerned with the little statement you wrote about not finding a safe friend and the ones you thought would be there do not even come by. I think your first need is a support system that will allow you to say out loud the things like you have written.

Grief is like congestive heart failure. That disease allows fluid to build up in the lungs and something has to drain it off or we drown in our own bodies. Grief constantly fills us up to the brim with feelings, thoughts, angers, resentments, fears, loneliness, and the list goes on and on. We must have places where we can drain off some of these feelings or we drown. Writing them out helps. Screaming in the night gives a little relief, but nothing takes the place of the human ear listening and understanding. Are there grief groups in your area? Are there counselors there? We need to find you a safe place where you can say anything you feel without fear of rejection or having someone argue or try to fix you.

I hope you have noticed that my email is published in these blogs. It is doug977@gmail.com That is a safe place and I do hope you use it. 

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Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.