I got a call one evening from a very angry and upset gentleman. He had just had a fight with his daughter and needed someone to calm him down or agree with him, he did not know which he wanted. His wife had died a few months before. They had been married for almost sixty years and he was totally lost. No one can begin to imagine what lonely really is until they go through the loss of a mate and that lonely can be greatly compounded when the loss is after such a long term relationship. When the scriptures talk about the two becoming one, they refer to this kind of marriage. After that long the couple almost breathe at the same time and really don’t know how to breathe without the other one being there. To say my friend was lost is far too easy of an understatement. He has no idea who he is or why he is alive.

He only has one daughter and of course she is busy with family and she owns a business which demands more time and energy than my friend can grasp. The call came during the holidays when she was busier than ever and during a time when her business was struggling to survive and having to function without adequate help. She had made a place for my friend to help in the business at his own schedule and pace. He would go in several times a week and do some small jobs that could be done sitting down. In her mind, that was a time of contact between the two of them. There was rarely any time for an intimate talk, but at least they saw one another and she could determine how his health seemed to be. 

They did not communicate very well at all. On the one hand he never learned how to stop trying to direct her life and just accept and love her for who she was. The hardest part of parenting is knowing how and when to quit doing it and my friend had never learned. Over time the constant giving of advice and direction had ruined any chance of intimate conversation. At some point in the relationship it seemed that the roles were changing and she was becoming parent to her parent. Neither of them understood the process but certainly did understand that they were not very comfortable being around each other. There seemed to be a great deal of tension in the air and they did not know why.

Then came the explosion. He had not heard from his daughter for what he considered to be far too long. It had only been three days without a call which is not a long time, but to him it was an eternity and proved that she did not care about him at all. He had blasted her with language no one should have to endure and enough guilt trips to permanently wreck any relationship. He was still steaming when I arrived at his house. 

After a session or so together, one could almost see the anger bleed away and a sense of calm began to creep in. He began to realize that, while he may have had a right to be upset, he was far too angry for something that simple. He had almost destroyed a relationship over what was a minor problem that could have been solved by a simple agreement to keep in touch better. 

What had really happened to kick this kind of reaction to that level? There is a great deal of anger in grief. We may not recognize it as anger because it doesn’t always exemplify itself as being mad, but the emotions of anger are there and they need to be dealt with. If they are allowed to fester they build into a volcano and someone gets burned. 

Unfortunately, anger does not float well. It needs some place to focus. In this case all of the feelings and emotions that had built up over the death of his wife focused on the daughter and exploded there.

Had he had some way of bleeding off these feelings the explosion could have been avoided. If he had been willing to simply talk with someone as he walked the grief journey and expressed how he really felt a great deal of the anger would have passed.

I have said it many times in these posts but I have no better way of saying it, so here it is again. We need to keep our cussing current. By cussing I do not mean vulgar or sacrilegious words. That is cursing. Cussing is saying we are angry when we are. Telling the world we are frustrated when we are full up to our necks. Get it out or wait for the explosion seems to be our choice. I hope you chose to cuss on time instead of waiting to do it all at once and all over someone you love.  

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