A couple of weeks ago was Thanksgiving, a day long associated with family and giving thanks for all the blessings of our lives. This week almost all of the folks I am companioning through their grief are asking me why the day was so painful. How could such a wonderful day feel so dark and dismal? Most have come in convinced there is something wrong with them and cannot figure out why they felt so numb and detached when everyone else seemed to be so full of enjoyment. There is no one answer because each person handles grief in their own way, but there are several logical reasons which might help explain and hopefully make some folks feel a little more normal.
Thanksgiving is a day for family which makes the absence of a loved one even more apparent and real. Everywhere we look and everything that happens makes us feel even more lost and alone. We lost a family member who always made the rolls. She was famous for her hot rolls and loved to waltz in just in time for the meal carrying dozens of them hot from her oven and watch us grab them and then listen to us drool. There is no way for us to put a roll on our plate without thinking of her. If that is so for us, think of what it is for her husband. His reminders go way beyond the rolls to almost everything that happens the whole day. It is hard to be thankful and sad at the same time.
Thanksgiving is a day of small talk. It is a time for tall tales, funny incidents, and football. When grief is raging inside of us, small talk is maddening. We have very little tolerance for talking about the weather. All we can think of is our loss and the loved one and everyone else wants to talk about whether to punt or go for it on fourth down? It is amazing that more folks don’t just loose it and go screaming down the street.
Thanksgiving leaves us torn. On the one hand we don’t want to be a wet blanket that keeps everyone else from having fun. On the other hand there is no fun in us and no way to fake it for very long. That creates tremendous pressure and makes the whole day uncomfortable to say the least.
The result can be a miserable day followed by all kinds of self doubt and self incrimination. One person came in saying “What is wrong with me? Everyone else seemed to be fine and I had to leave early. I should be further along than I am. I should not still be so sensitive and weak.”
Another one said she just felt numb and detached and wondered if she had stopped loving her family. Another one talked about how the grandchildren whom she dearly loved had irritated her and she had never felt that way before. All seemed worried that they will never be able to enjoy their family or family times again.
I tried to lead each of them to understand that the feelings they were expressing were normal and should be there. The numbness and detachment is a very natural result of the mind and emotions being in overload and shutting down for a time. The irritation and reactions come from the same source. I then tried to convey a few concepts that I hope will help them understand what happened and maybe prepare them for Christmas which is the next great hurdle.
The bottom line is that grief has an impact on how we think and feel. The best advice I can give is for us to just feel what we feel. We cannot change our feelings so our only option is to fight how we feel and end up exhausted and convinced we are loosing our minds, or to relax, understand that we are normal, and go with the flow. I hope you flow.
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