Grief is a journey that must walk through a series of firsts. The first month after the death, the first birthday, first anniversary, even the first trip to the grocery store. All offer their own challenges and most are faced with some level of dread. Thanksgiving is fast approaching and for many who read these post, it will be the first one after suffering the loss of a loved one. For them the day probably looms as an ordeal to be faced rather than a day to enjoy. It is hard to be thankful when your heart is broken.

For some of us, the day may present a great deal of pressure. If, for example, the celebration always happened at your house and possibly you doing most of the cooking, what do you do this year? Often the family wants everything back to normal as soon as possible and have no idea that there is no normal now and never will be again. To act like things are the same is profoundly hurtful to those in grief.

Even if you are not the chief cook and host or hostess of the event, these gatherings are a time for almost inane small talk, and small talk is maddening to those in pain. When your heart is broken, nothing matters except that hurt. Listening to a lot of talk about football or shopping makes you want to scream.

We also feel caught between not wanting to be a wet blanket for the rest of the family, and feeling like the family is forgetting the loved one and not showing proper respect to their memories. We want them mentioned and remembered. Too often the family is afraid that will make us feel worse so they avoid talking about the person and the loved one becomes the elephant in the room everyone tries not to notice. We are left stifling ourselves to keep from screaming that they don’t seem to care or even miss our loved one, but afraid to open our mouths. 

So how do we get through the day? May I make some suggestions with the hope that others who read these posts will share the things that have worked for them in past Thanksgivings.

First: Do what you feel up to doing and no more. If you have always been the one in charge of the meal let the family know that you are not up to that task this year. Decide what you are up to and agree to do that, period. If you can only bring a store bought pie then set that as your limit. You may well feel weak and guilty, but right now you are weak and the only thing that matters is your feelings and needs. Grief is a time for survival and it demands a certain amount of self preservation or even selfishness.

Second: Stay as long as you feel like staying and no longer. Park your car so you can quietly leave when and if you need to do so. Subjecting yourself to an afternoon of small talk is torture. Have an escape route and use it.

Third: Find a quiet way to get your loved one into the room. We stop and light a candle for our loved ones who are no longer with us. We do so just before the blessing of the meal. This can be an ice breaker that lets the family know it is all right to call the name of the person who has died and goes a long way toward removing the elephant from the room.

Take care of yourself this time. Being thankful with a broken heart is far too much to ask.  

__________

Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.