I have a new friend whose wife of sixty-two years died a few months ago. Since I have been married for fifty-six years, I cannot imagine what kind of hole is left when a spouse dies after such a long marriage. I often think that at the end of every great love affair there is a crucifixion. The more we love and the longer we love the harder it is to say goodbye and to learn how to live alone. My friend’s loneliness is compounded by his having only one son and no grandchildren. It is made even worse by the phenomenon I call the elephant in the room syndrome.

He called the other night and asked if I could drop by for a visit. He was really upset because his son did not seem concerned about his wife’s death. The son seemed to be avoiding him as well. He said, “He never wants to talk about Mary. If I mention her name he changes the subject or finds some excuse to get away. I don’t think he ever goes to the cemetery and when I say I am going he never offers to go with me. He does not come by the house as often as he once did and we rarely get together for a meal anymore. I wonder what I did wrong or how I turned him off?”

I told him that quite often and maybe more often than that sounds, families will act as if nothing has happened and avoid all conversation about the death. They do so as a protective device. They think that talking about it will hurt the other family members. That it will stir up painful memories and make them cry, so they carefully avoid the subject. They are not sure how the other family member feels about it and don’t want to speak until they are sure, but cannot be sure until somebody speaks so they avoid and the death becomes the elephant in the room no one wants to notice or speak about. 

They also avoid to protect themselves. Most of us are afraid of intimacy. We seem to fear that it will get out of hand or go too far and we will not be able to control it. It is also true that family members are the scariest people to be intimate with. They are permanent. If we get in too far we can’t just change them like we can friends and acquaintances. Usually we can be intimate with strangers easier than we can with family members. So we shun talking to family members about a loved one after they die. This can result in strained relationships and miserable family gatherings. Elephants are hard to ignore.

I think it takes a family to grieve a loss. When a family can come together and find the courage to talk openly they move from being the scariest to the safest people we can talk to. We can say things to family members we cannot say to any one else. We can share stories no one else can understand. We can build memories together that keep our loved one alive in our midst. No one is dead until they are forgotten. The story telling in the family can guarantee the loved one will never really die.

Understanding this has lead me to do small groups with just one family involved. Being such a scattered society makes that hard to accomplish in many families but, when possible, I try to have a series of family meetings to start the conversation and help the family understand and accept the fact that each person grieves in their own way. I cannot think of a better way to walk the grief journey than to walk it as a family unit.

I asked my friend to try something. I suggested that he ask his son to dinner and sometime in the conversation to simply say something like, “The thing I miss the most and seem to need the most is someone to talk to about Mary. Talking about her really helps me.” I told him not to say much more than that, not to push it, but just see what the response would be. If the son was avoiding to protect the father or himself, I hoped that just that little bit of a crack would help open the door. It did.

The son told his father that he had been going to the cemetery alone because he did not want to upset the father. They agreed to go together and the dam broke. Once a family can break through the barriers, they usually can find ways to communicate without fear. I love seeing elephants hauled off and conversations set free.

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