I guess I started some of the first grief groups ever formed. At the time, I had no idea what a group was, I had just begun to realize that I knew nothing about grief and did not know how to learn. I had read every book I could find, which was three, and they weren’t all that helpful. The only thing I knew to do was get some recently bereaved folks together and let them tell me what they were feeling and experiencing. I started with about seven women and one or two men whose mates had died. That began a journey for me that continues to this very day. Almost everything I know about grief has come from time spent listening to the stories and feeling the pain from those willing to allow me to peek inside their very souls while they experienced the devastation of some loss.

I vividly remember how shocked I was when they began to reveal how paranoid their grief made them feel. Every public appearance was met with dread. They felt like they were being scrutinized by the whole community. They described it like having to walk on stage naked with giant blotches on their face. 

One woman said she was afraid to buy a much needed new car for fear everyone would say, “See there her husband is not even cold and there she is out spending his money.” 

The group spent a great deal of time trying to figure out how they were supposed to act after the death of a spouse. Should they stay home and act like they did in the old days when widows wore black for a year and hid at home? If they did not do so, would people think they did not love their mate? One man in the group openly admitted that he had more or less sentenced himself to two years of isolation to prove to the world that he loved his wife.

Some wondered about when it is appropriate to begin dating, though they had a problem with that word. Dating seems so juvenile, but we could not come up with a better one. Several in the group said they had no interest and probably never would want to do so. Others were interested and worried about what friends and family would say or how they would react. 

Countless people have shared how hard it is to go to social functions after a death. No matter what the event, nor who is present, nor the size of the crowd, when they walk in they feel like all eyes are on them and everyone there is either passing judgment or, even worse, feeling pity. 

I found out that all of my arguments and assurances to the contrary could not make these feelings go away. They come from within the people and are the by product of the fears and the emotional turmoil of grief. Going through trauma and loss leaves us feeling vulnerable and afraid. 

It might help some to realize that these feelings are normal that feeling them does not mean you are weak or just being silly. The feelings are real and you have the right to both feel them and to determine how you wish to face them.

If you boil down everything we authors have written about grief it boils down to permission to grieve. We need permission to grieve in any way that fits us and for as long as needed. We also need permission not to grieve in some pattern or schedule determined by others or by society. There is nothing sacred about one year before dating, or before buying a new car. We cannot allow outside pressures to determine how we walk our grief journey. It is your journey to walk and you should be free to walk it your way and in your time frame. 

If you are going to be embarrassed or feel threatened by some event then you should have the right to determine whether or not you are up to attending and should not have to fight for that right nor be shamed for those feelings. 

Claiming permission and doing it your way will not automatically make the fears go away nor take away the feeling of “All eyes on me,” but it can give you the freedom to integrate back into society on your terms and when you feel comfortable doing so. There will be some events that you cannot avoid of course, but they should be the exception not the norm. There will be times when situations just happen spontaneously and you are caught with no way to escape, but the majority of the time, what you are ready to face should be the determining factor in whether or not you attend.

In time, these feelings and fears will pass. In time you will not feel quite so vulnerable and exposed. Until then, do what feels right for you as often as possible.

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