I am often referred to as a grief expert. Most of the time, at least when I can do so without embarrassing someone, I try not to accept that term. There are no experts in grief. Grief is as unique as a finger print. Everyone responds to grief in their own ways and in ways that fit their personalities and needs. When a person experiences grief they become an expert on their grief, but that does not make them expert on any other person’s grief. The reactions to grief are as varied as the people on the journey. I have observed some reactions that happen often enough to be considered as “normal” but the list is far from complete and never can be complete. I am writing about them to prove my point and hopefully to speak to some folks who are reacting in some manner similar to some of these. Some of the reactions I bump into the most are:

BUSY

Some folks try to bury their pain by staying busy. They are constantly on the go trying to fill every moment with some activity that will keep them from thinking. I have watched many women fill their year with bus tours and cruises after their husbands died. I have watched men bury themselves in work and projects in an effort to have no time alone and no time to think. 

Granted these are efforts to deny and avoid the pain. Granted they will not work for very long. The pain has a way of catching up with us and the process demands our attention. But, if that is where a person is and the path they choose to follow, then they must be allowed to do so until they realize on their own that they need to stop and face the monster that is chasing them. We do not have the right to blast someone open. We do not have the right to force them to face reality. We can offer our ears and suggest that the door is opened, but quite often that is as far as we can go.

SLEEP

Some folks just go to sleep. I have heard them say, “I just can’t get enough sleep. I come home from work and nap until dinner, then immediately go sleep in my chair until time to go to bed.” Part of that is caused by the fact that pain is exhausting and zaps our energy. Part of it can be an effort to avoid thinking about the pain.

And of course this is avoidance but if that is what works for that person then fussing at them about it will not change anything except make the person doubt their sanity. The sleep will pass. One great lesson I have learned is that grief is transition. Where they are today is not where they will be tomorrow so there is no need to panic or try to force them to change.

HYPER-RELIGIOUS

Some folks suddenly become so religious no one can stand to be around them. They tend to seek out every emotionally packed religious meeting they can find and get converted at each stop. It seems to me that the ones most prone to this reaction are males going through divorce. They can become instant Biblical scholars ready to prove they have been totally changed overnight and therefore should not be held responsible for past sins.

If left alone, this will pass in time, and we need to be prepared to let them off the hook. If they volunteer for missions in the Congo during this time, don’t judge them when they do not go.

DRINK

Some folks try to drown the pain in either drink, drugs or pills. This is the most dangerous of the reactions simply because of the danger of becoming at least emotionally addicted. The problem with chemical avoidance is knowing when it is all right to stop. Since the pain is masked, we don’t know whether or not it is still there and grow increasingly more reluctant to stop the chemicals and see what is there.

PROMISCUOUS

The loneliness, the fact that our emotions are in turmoil and we cannot understand many of the feelings or needs demanding our attention can lead some folks to a period of sexual promiscuity. I have walked with some wonderfully religious women who found themselves out of control for a time after the loss of a husband. This is very rarely talked or written about and becomes the deep hidden secret in the grief journey, and leaves many folks wondering if they are bad people or if they have gone nuts.

This too shall pass, and it will pass much faster and with less traumatic results if they are not attacked while they are struggling with these feelings. I think this is important enough for me to write some separate blogs on the subject with the hope of helping some troubled folks discover they are normal.

There are many other reactions of course, but these are enough to let us know that folks will react to grief in a way that fits them and seems to help them the most. These reactions usually pass and pass much faster if there are some “Safe” folks just listening and loving them each step of the way.  

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