Someone posted a comment to the blog titles IT TAKES HONESTY. Her plea is one I hear over and over. What do you do if your spouse refuses to deal with the grief? Far too often the husband will be the one doing the denying which leaves the wife alone in her pain, and angry at the lack of support. Her comments were:

I had to be honest with my husband this morning via email about what I needed to begin my grief journey. Our 23 yr old son died unexpectedly two months ago. I read your pamphlet "The Pain of Grief" and have ordered "Please Don't Take my Grief away." I got my husband to read the pamphlet. He said there was nothing in there that helps with how he needs to deal. I've suggested he talk to someone; he said no. I suggested he blog to you; again he said no. He said the only person he needs to understand is me, but I can't really when he won't totally open it. We managed to get some things out in the open this morning, but we still have a long way to go. We have two other sons who are also dealing. I am doing what I need for me, but don't know what I can do for him, if anything. His mother died ten years ago and I truly believe he has unresolved problems still from that. Do you have any suggestions?

I asked her to correspond further and she did so. In response to her I sent an email similar to this:

As a general statement, it takes most men much longer to give in to grief than it does women. Men seem to need to go off into their caves and lick their own wounds for a while before they are willing to talk. Even then, they talk in short spurts that happen almost by accident instead of long or planned sessions where there is the danger of too much intimacy and too many feelings turned loose.

I have three widowers on my street. None of them would ever agree to talk with me in any kind of formal way, but they catch me as I walk in the morning and we have short encounters where they can dump but these happen in the front yard so they can get away if it gets too deep. Granted their journey will be longer and may never be complete, but that is all they are willing to do. Some men never open up and their grief comes out in other ways some of which can be destructive. 

Unfortunately, that means the wife is left to grieve on her own and that can lead to a great deal of resentment and feelings of rejection which makes the death of a child the hardest thing a marriage can ever try to endure. Far too many do not make it and that makes the loss even more tragic.

So, without knowing your husband personally, the only thing I can suggest is that you understand that he is probably running off to his cave to lick his own wounds and will not allow anyone else to lick them until he is sure he can't heal himself and that may take time. Until he is ready, it is best to not push him to do so.

In the meantime, you must find your support in other places. I wish that were not so, and it may not be forever, but right now he is not going to be of any help to you in your journey. I am sorry that you must go outside the home, and there will be some aftermath to his rejection that the two of you will have to work through. There are several places you might look for support.

Compassionate Friends is an organization of folks who have suffered the death of a child. Some folks find this organization to be of great help and others do not but attending a few times might lead to your finding some friends who are suffering a similar loss. They can be the very best support you can find. If there is a chapter near you they will be listed in the phone book.

Most communities have some grief groups. They are usually sponsored by a hospice, or a hospital, or perhaps a church. These can be a great place to vent your feelings and find support.

Find a safe friend, someone who will give you permission to grieve without trying to explain it all away. Nothing helps more than being able to talk in open honesty. 

Writing orders the mind and helps vent feelings. Keep a journal and write how you feel and what you are thinking no matter how weird it sounds or how crazy it makes you appear.

I cannot imagine how deeply you must be hurting. There is no hurt like the loss of a child and to have to face that hurt alone must leave you lost and alone. You are in my thoughts and I want to be available to you in any way possible as you face this long and lonesome journey.