I may need to preface this blog by assuring those who may read this and wonder, I am a religious person. At least I think I am, there are those who would doubt that and probably have good cause to do so. I served as a clergy person for thirty years. Since retiring I have lead worship in two experimental fellowships. I currently speak every Sunday in a small group called Kindling Community. I am certainly not anti-religious and hold no animosity toward any church or belief system. With that said, I do think the religious community needs to take the time to understand grief and to recognize that their lack of doing so leaves them unable to be much help to their own people who are suffering the loss of a loved one.

I was asked to speak in a church that had just buried the young son of one of their most prominent and active members. The mother of the boy was in surgery for cancer when the boy died after his long struggle with cancer of the brain. This was the third family to suffer the death of a child in the last few years, and the pastor felt he had run out of things to say. He hoped I would have some magic words that would somehow heal these broken hearts. I have been in those kinds of situations enough to know that I was going to have to overcome some basic presumptions that seem to be present within people of faith. Presumptions that hinder the grieving process and take away the basic permission to grieve that is so vital to healing. 

The first and most prevalent presumption is that God will somehow come in and take away our grief and sorrow. If we pray enough, meditate and feel His presence, read the scriptures, and worship whether we feel like it or not, the grief will turn to peace and joy will come. This concept sees grief as a devastating problem from which we must find some kind of relief.

Grief is not the problem. Grief is the solution. Grief is a process built within us that helps us walk through the losses of our lives and find healing. Grief is God’s (or if you prefer, nature’s) way of healing a broken heart. The answer to pain and loss is for the grieving process to do its work. Like the answer to infection is for the infection fighting elements in our blood to attack and cleanse, grief is our built in sorrow fighter. Asking or expecting God or anything else to take that away is as devastating to healing as taking medication that destroys our ability to fight infection when we are ill. We need grief and we need to grieve. The best thing to do with grief is grieve. Holding it in, denying its existence, feeling pressure to say we are fine when we aren’t all lead to grief not being able to do what it is designed to do in our lives. The concept that grief is a problem God wants to come and take away creates pressure on people to hide their pain and tell their fellow believers that somehow God has done that for them. 

A second presumption is that we can change the way people feel by simply changing the way they think. If we can put the right “spin” on it so they see their loss in some new or some spiritual way the pain will go away. There is a place for cognitive therapy of course, but we also must realize that feelings do not always follow thought. Just telling people how much better off their loved one is now that they are in heaven does not take the ache out of a mother’s empty arms, nor fill the driveway, home, and bed of a grieving spouse. Just hearing scriptures read or quoted does not magically take the overwhelming load of pain off our shoulders.

That is what I tried to tell that church last Sunday. They did not throw song books at me, but I left wondering what they really thought and whether or not they would see grief as a gift given us to help us heal instead of a problem we need God to remove. Now I am wondering the same thing about those who read this blog. Do the easy and free signup thing to log in and let me hear from you. 

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