The only "normal" in grief is what is normal for you. Everyone goes through grief in their own way, on their own schedule, and with reactions that fit their personality and needs. There is not room enough in these bogs to list all the different reactions I have seen among the people and families I have tried to walk beside on their grief journeys. I am listing a few just to show how varied the reactions really are.

SOME FOLKS SLEEP

They can't seem to get enough. I have heard them say, "I come home from work, take a nap before dinner, eat, take another nap and then go to bed." They are convinced there is something physically wrong with them, or that they have somehow just checked out of life. Some of the sleeping is caused by the fact that grief saps a great deal of our energy and leaves us exhausted. 

The sleeping can also be a way of avoiding having to deal with the feelings and pain of their grief, and facing it would certainly shorten the journey, but for now, they need the avoidance. Hopefully, in time, they will be ready to stop running and face the pain of grieving, but until they are ready, all our talking about their need to do so will be met with sleeping minds.

SOME FOLKS BECOME HYPER-BUSY

Other folks stay busy as a way to "Not think about it."They feel the need to stay so busy they cannot think. They wake up earlier than they ever did in the past and run until they are too exhausted for any thinking. I have watched folks bury themselves in travel. Bus tours and cruises are not just for fun, they are ways to keep from having to face an empty driveway and an empty house. One day their grief will catch up with them, but the race is on until it does.

SOME FOLKS BECOME HYPER-RELIGIOUS

They want to go to every church service they can, every Bible study possible, and constantly talk about spirituality. They seem to think they are denying their faith if they grieve. Their faith is suppose to take away the pain instead of giving comfort to them while they hurt. The danger is that they may put themselves into a box that is not easily gotten out of. They tend to make broad pronouncements about how they have gotten some victory over their grief. Then, when the grief breaks through, they can't admit its presence without being embarrassed. This is not to say that religion does not help people in grief, it certainly does, but religion helps us walk through the valley, not around it.

SOME FOLKS TURN TO DRINK OR DRUGS

Alcohol and drugs whether prescription or otherwise, can dull the pain and are very tempting in the early days of grief. There are certainly times when medication is necessary and helpful. One father said without the medication he felt like he was about to vomit all of the time. The medicine helped relieve the cramping and let him sleep. The danger is becoming emotionally dependent. Since the meds or alcohol dulls the pain, we never know when we can quit. This can delay the natural process of grieving and make it much harder to face the pain.

Seems like everyone tries to find a way to avoid the pain at least some of the time. Maybe just long enough get some relief and catch their breath. The reactions only become a problem when they persist and become a long term process of denial and escape. These have rarely been a long term problem for the families I have worked with. They found some relief, caught their breath, and then faced the grief journey. I have reached the conclusion that folks must do what works for them and should be allowed to do so without pressure or criticism. It helps to realize that grief is transition. Where they are today is not where they will be tomorrow. If today they need to sleep, sing them a lullaby and wait. The time will come when they are ready to wake up and begin the journey.

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