Because of my background and continued involvement in the ministry, I am often asked if people who have a strong belief system have an easier time with their grief. Usually the one asking the question is a person of faith and they full well expect me to confirm their bias and assure them that those who have faith have a much shorter and much easier time dealing with loss than those who have no faith. My rather ambivalent answer is never as satisfying or as positive as they want it to be.

Certainly, having hope in life beyond life and a sense that a loved one has passed to a better land, offers a great deal of comfort and peace to those who are left here. Most of those who say their faith was what got them through their pain, are referring to their belief that their loved one is now alive in a much better place, that all suffering is over for them, that they would not come back even if they could. Faith and hope have a sustaining and healing power in the grieving process. 

The trouble comes when we expect the presence of faith and hope to take away all of the grief. We read that poem about not standing at my grave and weeping or some scripture about heaven and think that cures the problem. A mate may be enjoying wondrous things on the other side, but the one left behind still has to go home to an empty driveway, an empty house, an empty bed and an empty world. 

If I am honest I also must say that sometimes faith can be a hindrance to the grieving process. In far too many instances, friends assume that the presence of faith is all the grieving person needs and bombard them with inspirational thoughts and statements expecting that alone to make it all better. If it does not do so, then the person is left feeling like their faith is not as strong as it should be or there is something wrong with them. It can be harder for a believer to find permission to grieve and they may end up having to hide their pain and act like they are better while still hurting inside.

Faith is a strong help in times of sorrow, but faith alone does not take our grief away. We still need to walk the journey. We still need permission to grieve. We still need safe places and safe people to hear our stories and share our pain. 

I have a dear friend whom I consider to be a wonderful Christian believer. After her husband died, she was inundated with devotionals and pressured beyond belief to stand and proclaim how her faith had delivered her from her grief. She finally had enough and reacted in a most shocking explosion. It was Christmas and she had to go to the office Christmas party even though it took all the strength and courage she could muster. The first person she met was the wife or her pastor who said, "I know you are sad, but aren't you happy that John is spending his First Christmas in heaven?" She could not stop herself from blurting out ,"Hell no! he ought to be spending it with me." 

I am sure everyone there doubted her faith and judged her for saying hell, but, if they did, they missed the real point. Knowing someone is spending Christmas in heaven is wonderful, but it does not mean she has to be glad about it nor does it mean she does not wish he were here. 

Does faith help us in our grief? Certainly. Especially if it is accompanied by permission to grieve anyway. 

__________

Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you.