On the one hand, when we are in the depths of despair, nothing takes the place of friends. On the other hand we may wish we could carefully choose and even limit the number of people who know of our situation. Grief can leave us feeling like we are being watched and, in some way, judged by the people who know our plight. It is hard to keep from feeling like we are the "talk of the town" or the latest news on Facebook. It can lead to a sense of embarrassment and make us wish we could hide from the world, at the same time we are feeling a deep need for someone to understand and walk with us. 

I think some of the embarrassment comes from the ever present idea that bad things happen to bad people. That somehow there is a cause and effect for every thing that happens. No matter how much evidence there is to the contrary, this concept seems to live and thrive. One would think that in a society with so much random violence we would have long ago given up any vestige of this archaic idea. How could only bad people be in the World Trade Center on 9/11? How can only bad people be caught in the Tsunamis or earthquakes? There is just no sense to the concept and yet it hangs in the air and we feel it.

The concept is supported to some degree by religion. Some faiths more than others of course, but the concept of Angels watching over us and protecting us, or the idea of God keeping us from harm, leaves those who face harm wondering about themselves and feeling like others see their pain as a failure of faith. 

We also help maintain the concept. The idea that bad stuff happens to bad people helps us avoid facing our own mortality. I remember the time when I was invincible. Nothing was going to happen to me. The tragedies that happened all around me, happened to those people because of who or what they were and I was not like them, so I was safe. It seems to take a long time of living before we can realize we too are eligible and vulnerable. We hesitate to give the concept up because we don't want to face the fact that we might face loss or even die ourselves.

This means we probably felt that about others before our time came, so we know someone is feeling that way about us, and now we know how much that hurts. It makes us wary of crowds. Parties become agony. We wish we could make a list of the small group we want to know and then erase it from the memories of everyone else.

This means it is normal to feel a sense of embarrassment at times and in certain settings. We are not being silly or paranoid when we do so. Those who would judge are a very small minority and are not important, but it still does not feel good. Therefore you should have the right to decide where you wish to go and who you wish to be with. All the arguments in the world about how silly your feelings seem to be will not make you comfortable in some settings. 

We should not allow these feelings to drive us into some cave where we hide from everyone. Nor should we allow them to keep us from telling our stories. We need people more than ever and we need to tell it over and over. In a sense we talk grief away. But we do need to go where we feel safe and be with folks who feel safe. After the storm we can go back and pick up the rest of our social world. Right now, just be safe.

__________

Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry. He looks forward to hearing from you.