Grief may be the source behind many of the social problems in our society. People seem to think I am a little weird when I make such declarations, but I believe many of the things we call social problems have their beginning in grief or trauma that is not properly worked through and is allowed to fester until ultimately it can become the cause of some social problem. Grief and divorce is one example. 

We have no idea how many divorces are the end result of grief and trauma that happens during the marriage or, in many cases, long before the couple even met. The only secret to a happy marriage is for two happy people to meet and mate. No marriage is happier than the people involved. No marriage can completely overcome one miserable partner. Unresolved grief can lead to internalized anger looking for a place to focus. Unresolved grief can lead to a fear of loving someone again since it hurts so much to loose them. Unresolved grief can make trust and hope difficult to find, and lead to a constant state of fear. Unresolved grief can leave one with an intense need to be in control of themselves and others. We do not leave all of these behind when we marry. They do not go away with saying "I Do," and building a house together. The impact can remain and can take a toll. 

I do not mean for this to sound pessimistic about the chances of anyone who has gone through grief ever having a happy marriage. I am talking about unresolved grieving. People who run from dealing with the pain or find some way to bury it without making any journey toward coping. 

Grief within the marriage can also have a major impact on a couple. I have no statistical proof to back me up but, from my experience, I think the divorce rate among families who suffer the death of a child is elevated. There is no way to prove that statement, because by the time the divorce actually happens, the connection between the marital problems and the loss of the child is lost in time. One woman told me she was glad I had talked about the connection between the death of a child and divorce. She said it had happened to her, it just took thirty years. She said they fought over much of their lives, but the marriage actually broke the night her son died. 

The death of a child is one of the hardest things a marriage can endure. Too often a couple are disappointed in how little support they receive from their mate. It is hard to lean on someone who is bent double in their own pain. Often the couple go through grief on totally different schedules and with totally different responses. Neither can understand how the other one feels or why they do not respond like it seems they should. As a result wedges are driven into the relationship that can do great damage to the marriage if they are not properly worked through.

Far too often, the male will choose to go off in his cave and tough it out. Never sharing his true feelings. Never letting anyone see him cry. Never really sharing his pain with his wife, thinking he is helping her by not adding his burden to hers. This can lead to two lonely and hurting people living in solitude in the same house.

One of the sad things I have noticed in my work over the years is, how many women become involved in grief groups and how few men do so. I have spoken to grief seminars and groups for years and have always been amazed and saddened by how many women are there alone. The husbands often refuse to come. Grief is not healed in caves or in solitude. Marriages are not strengthened in silence. Grief is a family affair or it is a thorn in the heart of a relationship. 

These results are not inevitable. It is never too late to work through the unresolved grief of the past. It is painfully hard to go back and dig it all up and may well require a trained person to help, but the grief and the impact can be worked through.

A damaged marriage is also not the inevitable result of current grieving. If a couple learns to communicate and find safe places to deal with their feelings the marriage can come through strengthened by the fire. This blog is not written to scare anyone. It is written to emphasize what kind of impact grief can have when the journey is not completed. 

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