He lost his whole world when his son died. They were more than just a close father and son, they were best friends. They worked together every day in a business owned by the father but destined to one day belong to the son. That meant the father lost his future and his reason to live and function when the death occurred. It happened during the financial crisis that gripped our nation and had an almost crushing impact on the business as well. The father had to give mental, emotional, and physical support to the business when he felt bankrupt in each of those areas. His story felt like the Biblical character of Job who had blow after blow until he was sitting on a pile of ashes begging to die. 

He brought me a book someone had given him. He had read a few chapters but could not finish the rest. He seemed confused by the book. It should have been a source of great comfort and encouragement to him, but it wasn't at all. He seemed more depressed than ever. He questioned why these people had found answers he could not find and help he could not feel.

The book was an inspirational account of several families who had suffered the deaths of a child and had found healing in their faith. The book pictured family after family having a sudden surge of faith that seemed to take their grief away and they were healed. My friend wanted that and had spent an awesome amount of effort trying to find the kind of surge in his faith that would take away his pain. Not finding it added to his stress and self incrimination. He asked me to read the material and tell him why he could not make it work the way these families had done.

When we got back together I told him there were several things we needed to work through together. I began by pointing out that each of the stories reported in the book were how a family felt very soon after the deaths occurred. Often some people do find a sudden surge in faith that seems to carry them through the early part of their grief almost in a protective shell. It is not denial and it is very real. They feel very close to God and seem to find an answer for every thought and every feeling. I have walked with several families who responded to their grief in this way. It has been my experience that the euphoria does not last. In time they come down off of the mountain and must walk through the pain in a more natural and normal way. That does not mean their faith was not real nor helpful, it simply means that they found a way to face the early devastation through their faith while others find some other means of doing so. 

While some find great comfort in their faith, many others find it very hard to pray or feel close to God during these same days. That does not mean there is something wrong with them or with their faith. It simply means we all respond to our pain with differing feelings and emotions. Some feel close, some feel like their prayers hit the ceiling and bounce back. 

Most of what we know about grief has come from someone telling or writing their story. There are no college degrees in grief and no set science established to set some standard by which all grief is judged. We must rely on the experiences of others to learn what happens when someone dies. This means books and stories are of great value, however, it must also be said that we are not healed by hearing someone else's story. We can find guidance there, but the each grief journey is an unchartered experience unique unto that one person. We should certainly read the stories, but we should never make comparisons that leave us feeling inadequate, weak, or lacking in faith. 

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