The first time I heard the term "complicated grief" I almost scoffed at the term. Isn't all grief complicated? I worried that using the term might be insulting to some grieving people who might think we were saying some people’s grief hurts more than theirs. I still hesitate to use the term very much, but we need some kind of term for grief experiences that become so involved in other issues it becomes very hard to discover which feelings come from which source.
A family I know suffered the death of one of their daughter's husbands followed by the other daughter being diagnosed with cancer and dying a couple of years later after a long and desperate struggle. In the process the first daughter's grief was often overlooked and, having her feelings ignored, she felt abandoned by parents. By the time the second daughter died the relationship had become quite hostile and had polarized the remaining members of the family. The family is left with grieving two deaths, while trying to reconcile hurt feelings and anger that has focused on each other. All of these feelings are now piled up together until no one knows when they are grieving over one of the deaths and when they are grieving over the loss of communication within the family.
Another family had a young son die in a car crash. Prior to the accident, a great rift had developed between him and his father who was divorced from his mother. The divorce had been the start of the breach but many other encounters had ended up making the relationship increasingly hostile. Even though they did not get along, the son chose to live with his father which, of course was devastating to the mother. After an argument, the son stormed out of his father's house and that happened to be the day someone failed to stop at a light and hit the son's car.
The very hostile divorce is still fresh and the anger is very near the surface. The father blames himself for the son's death even though there really is no connection. Since the son chose to live with the father, the mother is convinced she was a terrible mother. She feels a deep sense of resentment toward the father, but also recognizes her part in the marriage breakup.
In cases like these there are so many different feelings and they are hitting from so many angles it becomes impossible to know what is being dealt with at any given point of time. The feelings pile on top of themselves until they blend into a sense of rage at life in general. Hurt by the whole world. Mad at the whole world. Disappointed at life its own self.
Far too often in these situations, there is no way to define the anger and no place for it to go, so it internalizes and each person ends up with a great deal of guilt. A lot of the guilt we feel in grief is really internalized anger. Anger that has no place else to go usually turns in on us. When we let anger internalized it will find some way to blame it all on us. That may be totally illogical, but we still feel the guilt.
When feelings pile on top of feelings, we need to find some way to sort them out so they can be understood and walked through. A skilled counselor can be a great help in this process. If a counselor is not available, and they are sometimes hard to find, then a safe friend with the patience to just listen to us can also help. If we talk long enough we will usually begin to sort the feelings out within our own mind. It will become more and more clear what feelings come from which hurt. That is a great start.
Journaling can also be a great help. Writing tends to order the mind. As we struggle to find the right words in the right order, we begin to sort feelings and get them placed where they came from. This is the reason we encourage you to respond to these blogs. It helps to write out what we feel and through the responses, find others who are also facing complicated piles of pain.
The most important thing I can say to those who have feelings piled on top of feelings is, don't give up. The intensity of feelings can leave us feeling hopeless and the guilt can convince us the world would be better off without our being in it, but hang on, these feelings can be sorted and relief can come. Believe me it is worth the journey.
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