When there is no one to blame, you tend to blame yourself. A couple volunteered to drive me to an airport some ninety miles from where I was speaking. Their 24 year old daughter had died of suicide and they wanted to talk. For the first hour of the trip, they unloaded their anger and frustration on their friends, their church, and their minister. It seemed as if the whole world had conspired to make their pain even harder to bear. I said almost nothing, I wanted them to have a safe place to express these feelings. When it became evident the anger had peaked and was subsiding, I said, "May I tell you what I am hearing you say?" They agreed and I said, "I am hearing you say that you are angry, and you have every right to be angry." Suddenly the conversation changed and they began to talk about their feelings of anger and frustration. Just before we reached the airport the wife said, "You know why I have been so angry with all these people? I don't want to be angry with my daughter." 

Anger is always present in grief. We might not recognize it, but it is a vital part of the overwhelming load of feelings that are caused by grief. Dealing with the anger is a very important element in the grief journey. When a child dies by their own hand or the death is caused by substance abuse, the anger becomes much harder to discover and express.

Some folks find an outlet by participating in a cause that tries to help prevent the kinds of things that took their child's life, such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving, or one of the many anti-drug programs. Some join support groups of people involved in the same kind of tragedy such as Parents Of Murdered Children. These are all legitimate outlets for some of the anger and many find help there. Many others do not find relief in causes and must seek other ways to deal with the anger.

Far too often, no outlet is found and the anger internalizes into feelings of guilt and failure. I am not sure there has ever been a suicide that did not leave the family blaming themselves for not noticing the signs and taking some kind of action. All the explanations in the world don't seem to dent the shield of guilt surrounding such losses. Death caused by substance abuse can also leave the family blaming themselves.

There seems to be a built in conflict. One the one hand, there is a tremendous need to establish the significance and worth of the child no matter how the death happened. On the other hand, if we do not attach at least some blame to the child, we are the only ones left to blame.

Her daughter died of a drug overdose several years ago. Her progress through the grief experience has been stalled for quite a long time. She is afraid to get better, for fear her doing so shows a lack of love for the daughter. She is desperately afraid that everyone views her daughter as a drug addict instead of the wonderful person she really was. She is even more afraid that she might become angry at her daughter and blame her in some way. All of this would defeat her need to establish the significance and value of her daughter's life. 

The result is, she sees it as her fault. Her words are, "A mother is suppose to provide a happy life for her children. My daughter was miserable, therefore I failed as a mother." No amount of arguing can move her from that position. She is afraid to move, so she stays in place and hurts.

The fact is there is no way to ever decide who is to blame. It is evident that some folks are far more susceptible to addiction than others. They are born that way. The mother did not cause it to happen, but when I tell her that, she then thinks it was her genes so she is to blame all over again. 

The blame may never go away, but it seems like it would lessen some if we could understand there is no way to ever know what really causes one child to become addicted and another child in the same home not to do so. There is no way to ever know what causes one child to become suicidal and another child be able to walk through the same problems in safety. 

It also might help to recognize that most of the guilt we feel in grief is really internalized anger. A good outburst of anger accompanied by what ever kind of words one is comfortable with might do more good than all the explanations in the world. Go find a safe place and have a good explosion, or log on and let it rip here.   

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