My friend has suffered the loss of her husband in a plane crash and the murder of her beloved daughter. She was raised in a faith that seemed to say this kind of thing did not happen to people who had faith. They taught that without really saying that is what they believed. It was implied and she believed it. Then the tragedies hit far too close together. It is a miracle that she is alive and functioning at all. It is no wonder that she has a struggle with the idea of faith or of a God at all. 

No one ever prayed harder to keep her daughter safe from harm. No one could have been a better wife or built a happier home. No one I know was a better mother. No one I know was a better person or a better Christian. This family does not just raise the question of why do bad things happen to good people, this case is why do bad things happen to exceptional people?

It is easy for those of us who have never had to walk those kinds of valleys to say she should draw closer to God and believe anyway, but, until we have been there, we have no idea what that entails or means. 

She has not become an agnostic or negative toward God and religion at all. She just can't seem to find any faith of her own, or any way to reconcile a loving God with what happened to two of the great loves of her life. She really wants to do so. She knows how much that would help and what kind of peace that would bring, but so far it just isn't there.

Recently she was talking to a close friend who had also suffered the loss of a loved one. This friend has somehow managed to maintain her faith and even felt like she has grown closer to God and her faith had deepened. This lady said she had no idea how she would have gotten through her loss without her faith. As they talked, my friend confessed that she had not found faith to be helpful to her at all. The woman was stunned and taken back by not only someone feeling like that but also that someone would say such a thing even if they believed it. She immediately asked my friend how she survived when she could not find hope and strength in faith. She asked, "Where did your help come from, if not from your faith? How could you survive?

My friend’s answer was thoughtful and profound. It may also be helpful to others who are in the same struggle. It has become very evident to me that some folks find great help and hope in their faith, while others, like my friend, do not. Those who do not feel like outcasts and somehow odd. They are made to feel like there is something wrong with them. They are often almost attacked for their beliefs or lack there of. 

My friend said, "I survived by finding a friend who would walk beside me for as long as needed. A friend who did not try to change me nor cure me, but simply tried to understand what I was feeling and accepted those feelings without question or reservation. No matter how much time I needed, she was there. No matter how low I was nor how out of control I was, she was the calming presence that said, 'I may not understand, but I am here.' Day after day, week after week, year after year, she has been there. I don't think we ever outgrow the need for this safe friend."

"While I did not have faith, she did, and yet she never felt the need to impose her faith on me nor demand that I believe what she believed. Looking back, I think I borrowed her faith. I somehow found comfort in knowing she believed in God and could pray for me when I could not do so for myself. It seemed like I was able to connect with God through the faith of a friend and gradually understand a little bit about my life and my situation. I cannot say that my faith was restored by this friend. I can say, in my case, my help came from a friend, and maybe that friend was sent to me by a God I am not sure I really believe in. Is that a start?"

Your comments are not only welcomed, they are needed.

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