When I began to discover that some grieving people find themselves thinking about sex I was very surprised, to say the least. After years of companioning grieving people and hearing their stories, I am now surprised that I was surprised. The more I think and study the more normal and rational it becomes.

Of course this experience does not happen to everyone, but it happens to far more folks than one would imagine and to some folks one would never suspect. It happens often enough to more than make the subject worthy of our exploration. Of course, since the subject is sex, if is not often explored or written about and I approach it with fear and trembling that is only offset by my desire to make some folks feel normal and alleviate some guilt.

I know a delightful woman whose husband suffered from serious diabetes that had robbed him of all sexual desire and left them in a sexless marriage for fifteen years. She had grown quite comfortable in that relationship and thought she was past even thinking about sex much less feeling some deep desire or need for it. She was a very devoted and active member of a rather conservative church and found that her work there and involvement in various ministries seemed to fulfill her needs. 

Then her husband died. A few months after the funeral she suddenly found herself thinking about sex almost constantly and started a rather intense sexual relationship with an old friend whom she knew she would never marry and did not love. This created deep conflicts between her faith and her needs which she found hard to reconcile. 

Another friend had a wonderful relationship with her young husband whom she dearly loved. Sex was a vital part of their lives until he was killed in a car accident. The last thing she ever thought she would do was begin any relationship with any man ever again. Within months she was involved in a wildly sexual affair, wondering what was happening to her, and feeling as if she was betraying her husband and his memory.

Unfortunately, The explanation I came with to try to explain what was happening is rather crude so I hope you will bear with me. A woman's sexuality changes when she marries. Before marriage she is turned on by the need to be loved and the need to find a mate. After marriage she is turned on or off by whether or not she likes her mate and the relationship they share. When a mate dies, she may well shift back to the before marriage mode.

In the animal world, if a male lion takes over the pride the first thing he does is kill off all of the cubs sired by the lion he replaced. He does so because the lioness will then go into heat and he can sire his own offspring. I hate to compare women with some animal and to use the term "going into heat" but to some degree that may be what happens. The need to be loved, and the need to find a mate can become an overwhelming drive. This can happen even if finding a mate is the last thing on earth the woman has in mind at the time.

It seems to be similar for men. They certainly don't "go into heat" since most men seem to stay in that state full time, but they tell me that they wake up in the night wondering who they will marry even when marriage is out of the question to them. I hear reports of greatly increased interest and thinking about sex. Often this leads to some men beginning dating much earlier than their family expects and often much earlier than they would have ever expected.

In most cases it seemed to help to talk about these feelings. Just discovering there are reasons behind the feelings and that they are normal seems to work wonders. The guilt and the need to hide feelings tends to intensify them. Understanding relieves some of that intensity and makes it much easier to control. 

I hope I have not offended anyone. My dream for this web site is to have a safe place where we can discuss the things normally not discussed. This is far too prevalent and far to important an issue to remain something we dare not discuss. 

OK. I opened the can of worms, now it is your time. Sign on and fire away. 

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