We don't get open criticism, just hints and suggestions. Her daughter was murdered seven years ago and we still meet as regularly as our schedules will allow. We started meeting in a grief recovery mode some would call counseling. I don’t use that term. It sounds as if the people I deal with are mentally ill and they are not. I am a companion to those is grief. Our relationship started with me being an active companion helping her walk through the terrible days after the murder, then through the trial for the person who did the crime. Her grief, like all who go through these horrors was long and complicated, so our walk was longer than normal to say the least.
Over time the roles changed and we just became good friends who think our friendship is important enough to schedule time to be together mostly to just talk about life its own self.
Her friends all wonder about her still being in "counseling" after this length of time. They ask if it is healthy. They wonder if this process is just prolonging her grief. Some of my friends question it as well. If it were a "counseling" situation I would question it also, but it has turned into something different and much more.
Most of the time it is just two friends talking about everything from family to politics to dog care. Sounds simple, but it has been a valuable laboratory for me. I have learned so much about the long term impact of this kind of grief. We have explored feelings still raw after such a long time. We have been able to talk about her thoughts about the perpetrator of the murder and where forgiveness and moving on really fit. I will do some blogs on both of those in the future.
The best thing we have learned is that we never outgrow the need for safe places and safe people. We do turn the corner in the way we cope with our grief, but we never get over it. The pains return for the rest of our lives. The pain we feel at first will one day become a dull ache, but it will always be at least that painful. On occasion, the whole load comes back and falls in our laps. This can be caused by some event, some statement, or it can just fall out of the blue. Where can a person go if the death is several years in the past? What friend would you dare tell? How many people would accept this as normal and not think there was something wrong with you?
We meet on a regular basis because we are friends and enjoy each other's company. We schedule these meetings because both of us are busy people and the only way we can get together is by this kind of effort. I think she comes because she enjoys the sessions and is continuing to discover things about her grief journey, but the most important reason for her coming is, when the old pain hits, she has a safe place and a safe person to tell. I don't think we ever outgrow our need for that.
Everyone on a grief journey needs to find at least one friend who will be the safe person over the long haul. The one we can cry with no matter how many years have passed. Time does not heal all hurts, it just makes them harder to discuss. Having a safe place and a safe person that never gets tired of hearing our story may be the greatest gift of all. We never outgrow our need for a safe place.