His wife died a suddenly few months ago. A mutual friend connected us and we began corresponding by phone and e-mail. It took a few conversations for him to develop the level of trust necessary to begin telling me the stuff he has not been able to talk to anyone about. It seems to me that almost everyone in grief has some things they just cannot share. Some of the time, they think what is happening to them is weird and folks would think they are loosing their minds. Some of the time it involves very private thoughts they have never shared with anyone. Or it can be new thoughts they never expected to think or feelings they never expected to feel. Over a few phone calls he must have covered every one of these areas. Once he started, he could not seem to stop. We shall visit some of the areas he shared in future blogs. 

I returned one of his calls rather late one night. I apologized and said I hoped it was not too late. He said, "It is never too late, I stay up as late as possible every night in hopes that I won't dream. Will I ever stop dreaming about her? I cannot tell you how much pain I feel when I wake up from one of those dreams." 

I asked him to tell me about the dreams in as much detail as possible. I am not an interpreter of dreams, nor do I attach very much mystical value to them. I see the dreams following a deep loss as our mind and emotions not being able to stop whirling even when we are asleep. Dreams are a natural part of the grieving process and not some sign that the person is not doing well with their grief or that they are loosing their minds. 

Most of the dreams people have told me about were not morbid nor ghostly at all. Most involved seeing their loved one and somehow not being able to reach them. They usually wake up just as they are about to overcome whatever obstacles are there and finally touch their love. They wake up in disappointment and pain, physical pain, with the grief as fresh as the day the loved one died. 

The question I am asked most often is will the dreams ever stop. It seems to give some peace to know that in time they will certainly lessen in both intensity and regularity. We will never stop dreaming about our love, but over time the dreams will become more of a pleasant visitation from your love instead of a desperate effort to touch them The dreams will become part of the pleasant memories we learn to cherish. 

My theory that dreams are our minds and emotions bleeding off feelings and fears we have no other way to express. Since I am not aware of any studies that have been done in this area, it is just a theory. I have observed that those who find it hard to talk about their losses seem to struggle more with sleep and dreams. If that is right, then talking about the dreams might be one way to find some relief. I called my friend following our conversation about his dreams and found out he did not dream for several nights after that talk. This is trial and error of course, but well worth a try.

Maybe the forum page could offer a way for you to talk about your dreams. It is a safe place where no one knows your name and no one can pass a judgment on how you feel. I will look for your dreams there.