Grief is a totally new experience and nothing like what we would expect it to be. That is true even if you have been through the death of more than one loved one. Because each relationship is different, each grief is unique unto itself and each experience is full of unexpected thoughts and reactions. It might prove helpful if we could be forewarned about some of the things most folks seem to be the most surprised about.

YOU MAY NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU EXPECTED

A friend's wife died suddenly during heart surgery. I was out of town and did not hear about her death until three weeks had passed. We had lunch together and the first words he spoke were, "Every electrode in my brain is firing constantly, but I am not thinking about the things I expected I would be thinking about. I expected to think of nothing but my wife, but I wake up during the night thinking of whom I am going to marry. I am not ready to even think about dating much less marriage. I feel totally weird." 

When we face great trauma the first thing on our minds is our own survival. Survival mode seems selfish and self interested but it isn't. It is just the mind trying to find some relief. In that effort we may think more of ourselves and our won needs than we ever thought we would.  

YOU MAY EXPERIENCE BROWN OUT

When the mind faces overload, it shuts down to avoid danger. You may have trouble concentrating for very long even about things of great interest and importance. You may feel detached like you are watching yourself go through the motions, but you are not there emotionally at all. 

YOU MAY WANT TO RUN AND HIDE

There is no logical explanation, but some people may feel safe and you will want to spend all of the time possible with them. Others may not feel safe and you may want to avoid them even though some of them are great friends or even members of the family. While this may cause some temporary misunderstandings or hurt feelings, for now you need to be where you feel safe and be there without feeling guilty about it.

SOME FOLKS WILL MAKE YOU ANGRY

Many people will say exactly the wrong things with the best intentions. Anything that seems to trivialize or explain away your pain, will tend to anger instead of comfort. It may help to remember that you may well have said these very same words before you faced grief. It is hard to know what to say until you have been there and heard all of the things that sounded good but hurt.

EXPECT TO BE SURPRISED BY THE PAIN

One of the biggest surprises is the actual physical pain in grief. I can't tell how many times I have heard "I had no idea grief was this painful." When we break a bone, we expect the bone to have physical pain. Somehow we think broken hearts are different. The pain is suppose to be all emotional in nature. On more than one occasion I have been called in the night from someone whose pain had overwhelmed them so much they fell in the floor and could not get up. These were not the complaints of an overreacting neurotic. This was real pain leaving someone too weak to stand. 

None of this is written to scare you and I hope it does not do so. It is written so you will not think there is something wrong with you or that you are loosing your mind. I hope expecting the unexpected will give some relief.