By the second meeting with the family, the pain was much worse.  Grief dawns gradually and we tend to hurt more three weeks after the funeral than we did the day the loved one died.  I ask them to imagine a bucket being handed to each one in turn.  I explained that the bucket represented our feelings and we mentally past the bucket to each person so they could share what they were feeling. The imaginary bucket somehow made it easier for them to share their feelings in front of each other.  Families tend to start protecting one another by hiding the pain they feel.  Parents tend to hide their tears for fear of upsetting the children.  Often the children do the same in an effort to protect the parents from additional pain. Before long, the family is talking less and less and the people who could be the most help become almost strangers to one another.  The bucket  seemed to free them and each on spoke.

As the bucket passed around the room, a pattern seemed to develop. They needed us to understand how deeply the loss had effected their lives.  How much they were missing the person. How hard it was to go on with their lives. How often they were breaking down during the day. How little sleep they were able to get.  How they would find places that reminded them of him and go there to feel his presence.  

Each one also talked about how wonderful the young man was and how great the loss of his life was to them and to others as well.  They told stories about how thoughtful he was and considerate of other people's feelings. They told of funny incidents when the family laughed together, of the many family gatherings for holiday meals and fun together, of vacation trips and other special occasions.  They talked about the family traditions and taking a family picture every Easter.  They cried together when they would remember some event coming in the near future and how much they wanted him to be there and participate. How deeply they would miss him being the God Father for a new born niece at her coming baptism.

I think there is a pattern to what we need to share after a loss and this family followed that pattern.  We seem to need to tell about out pain. Where we were when the news came, how deeply hurt we are, and how the loss is impacting  our lives. We also seem to need to share how wonderful the person was. We want folks to know each wonderful attribute of their lives.  You may feel the need to follow that same pattern. I call that establishing the significance of your loss and the significance  of the person you have lost.  These are both important in the grieving process. 

All of that may sound morbid and to some it may seem like that kind of session would make everyone feel much worse.  Some folks seem to think the less we talk about a pain the sooner the pain goes away. The old "Time heals all wounds" sort of a deal, but the truth is these sessions are not morbid at all. We find great healing when we find safe people and safe places where we can tell what is in our buckets.  When we hurt, we want someone to understand  what we are feeling. When we suffer a loss, we want someone to understand how massive the loss is and what impact it has on our lives.  Having someone understand does not magically make the pain go away, but it does let us know we are not alone.  Someone is in our bucket with us and will walk along beside us in quiet understanding.  

As you begin your grief journey, finding someone who will simply listen as you tell them what is in your bucket, will be the thing that gives you the most help.  If that can happen in a family setting all the better. If not carefully choose some ears that will  listen and understand.