My daddy died suddenly on October 30th, 2001. That loss affected my life more than I probably still understand and recognize. I was in my office when a fellow from my home town called me. I remember his exact words, “Wade, there is no easy way to say this. They found your dad dead in his pickup.” I felt a knife go through my heart. Like a robot, I hung up the phone and went back into the patient room I had been called from. I finished with that patient then told my nurses what had happened. I then called my three brothers across the country and told them the news. One brother was stopped on the side of the highway. One brother in Idaho called from the pub he stopped at after work. We ran him down in this rural town. My youngest brother was sitting at his desk at work. We are not a very emotional family. We all talked like one does if being asked to pick up a loaf of bread or gallon of milk. I’m not sure that is the best way to respond. 

Over the next few days, we all stayed with mom. We did all the usual planning for a funeral and reorganization to take care of mother’s business affairs. We visited with people I had known as a kid and hadn’t seen some of them in years. As we picked out a casket, flowers, and burial clothes, we all worked together. No one’s emotions flared. It was as if everyone worked for the common good. No one was selfish or demanding. After a day or two of this, I began to ask myself, “Who is this family, and what happened to my people?” It is not that we feud like traditional McCoys, but often there are differences of opinions expressed among someone. Usually when we are together for any period of time, tempers will flare over something. But not this time. During this most critical time in our family, we pulled together. We stood in the yard the day we left and all hugged each other. That is something we had never done and likely won’t do again for some time. I think dad would have been proud. I also think it was a testament that despite the rough edges and turmoil of raising four boys, mom and dad did well. 

These thoughts came to mind because of the strange way I have seen families respond during illness of their parents. I have seen families gather around the bed and love on their ill loved ones. I have seen them hold hands and pray. I have seen them sacrifice for each other for the common good. Unfortunately, I have seen the opposite. Recently, we had to call the police to help calm a family down. We had to sneak one family member up the back stairs to see her dying father. I have seen families get weird and then get mean with each other. A few times, I have scolded families and told them to grow up and quit acting like spoiled kids. I think it is the stress that brings the worst out in some families. As an observer, I never know what is behind all the chaos and drama. We never really know of the turmoil and even abuse that occurs in families. These painful events often bring out turmoil when the parent becomes critically ill.

We can only work to control our own emotion. We cannot control how other family members react under stress. I believe someone in the family must take the high road and express the goal of caring for the loved one. As families we must recognize the emotion, but not be controlled by it. So, how will your family respond under stress? Who knows, only time will tell. Prepare yourself now to react with love and understanding.