The denial we experienced with our mother’s Alzheimer’s disease came to mind when I read an interesting account in the “My Turn” feature in September 10, 2007Newsweek. It was written by Anya Ulinich whose great-grandmother lived in Moscow and whom she had not seen for more than a year. She was aghast at what she found. Though her family had been in touch with her and warmly and financially supportive, great-grandmother had been able to cover up her condition (the family lives in the US). She was frail, showed little judgment, had become paranoid, was hoarding money, had lost cooking skills, and was generally debilitated.

In this brief article Ulinich reminded me again of the reasons we sometimes ignore symptoms of our loved one’s illnesses. We cannot face the fact that our mortality will loom larger as the generations in front of us fall away. Her thoughts also highlighted for me how skillful an Alzheimer’s patient is at masking symptoms of the disease, especially if we do not visit them often or spend time when we do visit. I surfaced another thought from the article: despite our denials and defenses we care so very much and cry out , “Please tell me my loved one does not have Alzheimer’s disease.”

We did not respond as quickly as we should have to the warning signs we experienced with our mother, but I now know the acceptance of symptoms is vital for many reasons.

1. An optimal outcome would be to have the loved one tested and discover it isn’t Alzheimer’s disease at all, but a condition that can be successfully treated.

2. If tests are administered and we discover our loved one most likely has Alzheimer’s, then:

a. Appropriate interventions can begin earlier and could slow or make the journey easier;

b. Families can educate themselves and plan together for care and perhaps involve the loved one in key financial, medical and legal decisions;

c. Emotional adjustment for the long journey is enhanced if all family members can begin to face the “feeling” side of the experience early, and together.

Why would I deny the rather blatant signals I saw in my mother’s behavior? The reasons are human and nothing to be ashamed of, just not to be repeated. Perhaps I entertained two irrational notions: denying my mother’s condition would somehow keep her from having it, or me from facing my own mortality.

This is a struggle every family faces with a loved one who may have Alzheimer’s. Coming to grips with the struggle early is crucial.