When I forget,

Please remember

How much I love the changing of the seasons

And holidays, especially the wonder

Of Christmas. 

When I forget,

Please remember who I am,

And help me find and be myself,

As long as part of me remains. *

These words are my decoding of what I believe to be my mother’s will as she slipped away from us. This is about the holidays, especially “the wonder of Christmas.”

My own memory of my mother’s love for Christmas lodges in my late teens and adult years. I recall how she anticipated my coming home for Christmas and how we worked together to finish her shopping, wrap packages, and make last preparations for my siblings and their families.   

She always baked two kinds of special cakes. As she aged and then became ill, I tried to encourage her and help her continue the traditions she loved so much, and which my father cherished until his death.  Each year I would ask her if she wanted to have our Christmas gathering at her home to which she always replied, “As long as I am able.”

As mother became more disabled, the celebration of her favorite holiday became less meaningful.  However, she was still able to scan her life experience sometimes, to “remember when.”  We encouraged her to tell a story; sometimes she could.  We included her as appropriate in family activities. 

We hear and read about how Christmas, and other holidays, evoke such a wide range of responses in all of us, but especially in the aging or a loved one with dementia. When Christmas is presented as a joyous, happy, and festive time, expectations are high that our emotions will match these popular images.  When they don’t, sometimes our emotions sink into an opposite mode, even depression.

In the September 28, 2008 issue of Time author Jeneen Interlandi emphasizes “location” (physical space) as a significant part of the framework for recalling experiences (a concept credited to Lynn Nadel, University of Arizona). Locations, combined with the emotion experienced at a given event, become stack poles for Christmas memories.  Usually the emotions connected with them are exceptionally strong (sad or happy), and the location and time certain.  Therefore, Christmas memories may be easier to recall, even by the Alzheimer’s patient.

I offer a few suggestions to you as you face Christmas, or another holiday, with its high bar of expectations.  Perhaps you approach Christmas in a mixed milieu of sadness and joy, and weariness and renewed energy.

1.   As the disease progresses, include your loved one at the appropriate level in traditions important to him/her such as:

·         Shopping – during less busy hours,

·         Signing cards or writing a brief message,

·         Wrapping gifts, or just adding bows,

·         Cooking, if not the whole process, a simple part,

·         Decorating the house, e.g. placing ornaments, crèches, or wreaths,

·         Making a simple gift, using his/her well honed skill (my favorite keepsake is a Christmas stocking mother sewed).

2.   Provide holiday atmosphere:

·         Favorite Christmas music,

·         Lights, one color, non blinking preferred, and not too many to be confusing,

·         A favorite Christmas item placed where the loved one can’t miss it,

·         A choice sweater or piece of clothing associated with Christmas,

·         An aromatic stimulus such as mulling spices.

3.   Plan activities, avoiding over stimulation:

·         A family gathering, or more than one,

·         “Celebrations”  involving fewer people at the time,

·         Drives to see decorations and lights, 

·         Taking him/her to a community or church program,

·         Singing holiday songs together,

·         Reading the biblical story of Christmas,

·         Telling stories or listening to his/her stories,

·         Interviewing her/him for a priceless keepsake recording,

·         Looking at and reading cards together and talking about the sender.

4.   Take care of yourself as caregiver:

·         Placing emphasis on traditions your family values most; you can’t do everything,

·         Accepting lowered expectations of yourself in all categories such as gifting, cooking, decorating, entertaining,

·         Among the celebrative events, maintaining some routine for the sake of everyone, including  yourself,

·         Taking time for your own diversion and something special “just for you.” 

A holiday can still be a most wonderful time of the year!

*From the book, Please Take Me Home Before Dark, One Family’s Journey with Alzheimer’s Disease by Billie Pate and Mary Pate Yarnell