During the decade our family cared for our mother, we never discussed the impact of caregiving stress in real terms. We did take some steps to try to protect ourselves from major illnesses, but we probably never imagined what the long term fallout might be. I have hesitated to raise the risk questions lest they might create more anxiety than they relieve. But since the stakes are so very high, I will take the risk. 

Of the more than 45,000,000 caregivers in America, the average is a woman in her late forties, and likely still employed. However, over 30 percent are over sixty-five and may be dealing with health challenges of their own.

A profile of just these two groups of caregivers suggests some of the obvious risks of taking on a caregiving role of unpredictable duration. Apparent and short-term results include: role changes, excessive overwork, job plateau or loss, financial worries, family disruptions (dynamics of role shifts), loss of friends’ network, and developing health problems. In the long term the risks to a caregiver who basically remains unassisted are socially, emotionally, and physically devastating. 

Social isolation is almost certain. Rose Beeson, a researcher and leader in gerontology (University of Akron, Ohio) uses the term “relational deprivation” when referring to the communication breakdown between a caregiver and his/her spouse. Friendship networks fade away, and it becomes harder and harder to make contact with others. 

Emotionally, an unsupported caregiver can develop intense loneliness, sadness, anger, feelings of being dumped on, anxiety, and depression. 

Physically, the psychobiological connection becomes real. The body is made up of open systems, networking to make the person function well. The brain of the caregiver may send signals of desperation and fatigue. Subjected to exhaustion and overwork, loss of social reciprocity and emotional deprivation or suppression the caregiver will most likely suffer dire consequences. The story goes that caregivers, compared with non caregiver peers, are more prone to infectious diseases, chronic inflammation, diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, and serious depression. The Alzheimer’s Association reports a 63% higher mortality among elderly spousal caregivers, with a history of chronic illness themselves, than their non-caregiving peers. The clincher is that many caregivers experience stress-induced suppression of their immune systems up to 3 years after their caregiving has ended.   

Why do caregivers try to push through the arduous tasks of caregiving virtually alone? Even trying to answer this would take at least a psychiatrist, a couch, and a few years. But most of us, who are or have been caregivers, could find buried deep inside these dubious excuses our own reasons for “doing it alone.”

·         I have no choice.

·         I owe it to mother to do this work; she was so good to me.

·         Asking for help is socially/culturally unacceptable.

·         No one is interested in my needs; I’m not the patient.

·         I’m healthy; I can do this without harming myself.

·         If I tell anyone I am angry and sad, they will think less of me or see me as weak, whining, and lacking faith.

·         I feel guilty even thinking of myself when my loved one is so ill.

·         My faith will be enough. 

Please do not adopt any of these deceptions, though they may contain elements of truth. They will not serve you well over time. Suggestions are available through many sources, including “Coping with Frightening Feelings” and other articles at this website. 

Help yourself; reach out; others will respond. You deserve it!