Nothing can bring a smoldering family squabble to the surface faster than having to make a decision about caring for an aging parent. A doctor referred a family to me a few weeks ago. The mother is 86 and has lived around and with her daughter and son-in-law for many years. This couple is facing a job change that will require their moving to a new city. They fully expected to take the mother with them and have been looking for suitable housing that would make that possible. Suddenly the brother who has been somewhat estranged from the sister and brother-in-law and not all that attentive to the mother, insists the mother must live with him. He insists the mother said she wanted to do so and he has declared that he will be on the door step in a few weeks to move his mother to his home. As you would expect this fanned the fire and it erupted in the doctor's office. He immediately turned them over to me. He is the only smart person in this whole story.

This is just one more case of families making decisions FOR the elderly loved ones instead of WITH them, so my first course of action was to set up a time to talk in private with the mother. I cannot begin to explain how much she appreciated having someone hear her instead of just making decisions for her.

She told me that she felt torn between the children. She loved them both and did not want to hurt the feelings of either. She preferred to stay with the daughter however, because she was not sure how well she would get along with her son's wife. There had been some small conflicts in the past, and she worried that they might have even larger ones if they were together full time. She also worried about being an imposition on her son and daughter-in-law. Their house was so small that they would have to give up their bedroom in order to accommodate the mother. They would move to a room converted from a garage. And of course at 86 she was afraid of making drastic changes. She seemed to be saying she did not have long to live and did not want to take a chance on not being in a place she enjoyed for the days she had left. She had worked out a routine with the daughter's family and she did not want to start over.

Now all of that is logical and simple enough to be self evident. Why could they not work it out among themselves? Why would the son want to sleep in the garage so his mother could live with him? Why did this become so hot an issue that the son was ready to take his mother by force if necessary?

The truth is, where mother lived was not the issue. The issue was a long standing conflict based on jealousy and rejection. The son had always felt like he was the "Unblessed" one in the family. This had simmered over the years and his anger had focused on his sister. They have had almost no contact for many years. He seemed to see this as his chance to defeat his sister and earn his mother's love and respect at the same time. It reminded me of a bad divorce where the children become the clubs the couple use to beat one another up. The mother became the weapon used in a battle of wills.

Conflicts like this are not as rare as one might expect. Sometimes the fight might be on who has to take mother instead of who gets to do so. The issues change, but the causes are similar. Conflicts left unresolved tend to become raging fires when a family faces the care of an aging loved one. If anything is going to tear a family apart it will usually happen either here or when the loved one dies. 

These issues can be avoided by having family meetings ahead of need and facing these choices under a time of far less stress and pressure. They can be avoided by "unblessed" children facing their feelings and discovering ways to grow beyond them. I write a great deal about the unblessed child trying to help people move past it and also trying to avoid these kinds of conflicts.

When you've lived 86 years and know your days are numbered, the last thing you need is a couple of children acting like, well, children.