A deeply worried couple called to tell me how miserable the wife's mother seemed to be. They thought the problem was the nursing home, but could not put their finger on any one thing the mother did not like about the place. Matter of fact the mother had not complained about the facility with anything more than the normal passing comments about a meal that she did not like, or the service was slow on some particular day. She did not beg them to take her home, nor go on and on about how horrible the staff was. Just minor statements she would have made even if she lived at home. But, she did not seem to be happy and they were concerned enough to call me and ask if I would go see the mother.

I found the mother to be quite a delightful lady. She was very lucid and aware of everything going on in the world. We talked about life its own self for a little while as she felt me out to see if she dare talk in open honesty. After a time, she began telling me what was on her mind. At least she began telling me the fringes of what was really on her mind. Folks from that generation hint at what they want to say more than they say it. We must learn how to read between the lines in order to understand what they really want to say but do not know how to begin.

Her presenting problem was her fear of hurting the feelings of her son-in-law. He took care of her money, and she was happy for him to do so. She trusted him explicitly and had no doubts about how the money was being handled. However, she received one small check each month that was separate from the main sources of her income. She wanted to cash that check and keep the money herself, but was afraid to even ask about it for fear her son-in-law would think she did not trust him. The amount was small and she had no idea what she wanted to do with the money if she kept it, but it was significant. That check represented the last shred of independence she had and she did not want to let go of it. I told her to keep the money and spend it any way she wanted to. Her face lit up with such a bright smile it looked like a small child on Christmas morning.

That opened up the door to what the real problem was. She had always been a very competent woman who was more than able to take care of herself and took great pride in doing so. Aging for her was a gradual loss of independence and she was grieving that loss. As so often is the case, she was grieving a loss in silence because she did not know the grief was there and certainly did not know how to verbalize her feelings. The one check became the symbol of the lost independence she grieved. Talking about the check allowed us to talk about the importance of having some kind of independence in our lives for as long as we possibly can. The dam broke and she was able to verbalize feelings she did not even know were there.

That is called grieving. Grief does not just happen when someone dies. Grief is the natural response to any loss. Aging is the slow loss of much that we hold dear, but these losses are not recognized as legitimate causes for grief. We are just suppose to watch our world fade without comment or pain. We are not given permission to grieve these losses. As we lose sight, hearing, memory, and physical abilities we have feelings of sadness, anger, fear, and dread that cannot really be expressed except in a mild complaint which is usually met with, "That's what happens when you get old."

The greatest gift we could ever give to an aging loved one would be to become so safe to them that they could tell us what they really feel. Most have some losses that need to be acknowledged, and some fears that leave them grieving in silence. No wonder some of them seem sad.