Depending on the relationship, of course, it is much easier to give care if the parents live nearby. There have been some definitive studies done concerning the cost to industry in lost time and productivity as more and more of us are trying to care for loved ones hundreds of miles away. The cost in time, money, emotional wear and tear to the families, far exceeds the cost to industry. So, of course it would be better if the loved ones either lived close by or would move nearby when the need for care loomed on the horizon.

Most of us will not have that happen, and will be faced with trying to provide care from long distance. This makes planning ahead for the care process even more necessary. These blogs have and will talk about the need for family meetings ahead of need, and the fact that one person will emerge as the primary caregiver. If done right, having a primary caregiver can work very well. One person needs to be the final authority in the care. If the rest of the family will accept the caregiver's position and learn to support instead of second guess and criticize, a partnership among siblings can give the care with a lot less stress and far fewer conflicts. Future blogs will present a bill of rights for the caregiver to help families form this kind of caring partnership. 

If the care must be done from a distance, there are several steps the family can take to keep clear information on the actual condition of the loved ones, and to insure the best possible care. 

First

Select a primary care physician. Some doctors now specialize in eldercare medicine, but most primary care physicians are equipped to meet the needs. If possible find one who is willing to communicate by email. Far too often, the only time the physician sees the caregiver is when they are accompanying the loved one and there is no time for a private word and often the needed honesty can not be expressed. Understand that email should be used very sparingly and with great care. The physician has no way to charge for this service and also no way to charge for private consultations with the family, families should be aware of this and resort to it only when the need demands the contact.

The primary caregiver should be the one person who deals with the physician. No physician has the time to talk to all of the family members separately. If a family member feels like the loved one is not getting proper care, they should express that to the primary caregiver and be available in person for the next doctor's appointment. Sitting on the sidelines and criticizing the care, leads to family conflicts, but not to better care.

Second

It may feel like you are sneaking around spying on your loved ones, but build an information support system. Parents will hide from the truth themselves and certainly will hide the truth from their children or caregivers. The neighbors will know if the loved one is falling in the yard a long time before any family members are told. The friends who socialize with the loved one know more about their true condition than any distant family member. Cultivate everyone who is in a position to give an honest appraisal of the physical and mental health of your loved one.

If the loved one is in a care facility, become friends with the staff. I cannot begin to name the times families were convinced their loved one was sitting all alone brooding in depression, only to find out that was only happening when the family was visiting. The rest of the time, they were calling the square dances. It feels sneaky, but there are ways to find out what is really happening.

Third

Discover what is available in the community. Every county has an organization called The Area Agency On Aging. This agency can supply full information about every organization that gives any kind of care for aging in the area. It is remarkable how much help is available. It is even more remarkable how few people know about or use this wonderful tool for care.

With all of that said, we need one word of warning. Just because care is organized and available does not mean your loved ones will welcome it with open arms. One of the main reasons I stress the need of family meetings ahead of need is, to head off the day when it becomes “us against them” in their minds. If that day happens to come, the whole family needs to be prepared and unified in their approach to care. If there is a way to divide us, it will be found and, most likely, used.