In our first session on this subject, we talked about how the unblessed child is most likely to become the primary caregiver to aging parents. On the surface that seems strange. Why would a child that never felt loved and accepted want to be the one to give the care? A couple of dynamics make this almost inevitable. The first one is location. Most likely, the unblessed child still lives near the home. Some unblessed children run away and become rebels, but most of them stay near by and work for the blessing. I tell parents if they want to keep their children at home just don't bless them.

Anyone who has ever attended a christian church has heard many sermons on what is called "The Prodigal Son." Usually these sermons talk about the son who left home and the father who welcomed him back. Very few ever talk about the unblessed older brother who stayed home and worked his fingers to the bone and all he got was bony fingers. When he said something about it he was met with a shrug and some excuse. No one killed a fatted calf for him.

If the unblessed child has to leave physically, they find it hard to leave emotionally, and tend to return at the first sign of needed care. I met a young man who told me he was the unblessed child I had just talked about. He had quit a good job in California to move back home in Virginia to care for parents he said never liked him and whom he never liked. He said he was miserable, could not find work, but felt trapped and could not leave.

The second reason for the unblessed child being the one giving care is they see this as their great opportunity to finally get blessed. They think if they are the ones who give the care the parents will love them and show it at long last. That is not how it happens. The deeply ingrained patterns of a life time do not change overnight. If they have always been able to motivate a child with criticism and guilt, that is what they will use now.

Sometimes it isn't just the parents that make someone feel unblessed. Quite often it is the siblings who spent a lifetime criticizing their every move. I talked with a woman who said she was giving all of the care to her mother while holding down a full-time job. She said she had a sister living in the same town who did not have to work because she was quite wealthy. The sister did not help with the care, not even financially. The woman said that recently her job demanded so much overtime that she asked her sister for some relief. The sister reluctantly agreed to take the mother for two weeks, but after one week she called and said, "You must come and get mother, she is driving me insane." When the woman arrived to pick up her mother, the sister met her on the front porch and said, "Don't you dare put my mother in a nursing home."

I said to her what I have said to thousands of people over the years, "Why do you let her do that to you? If someone is making you feel that guilty it is happening because you allow it to happen." Manipulation is by invitation only.

The only answer to the unblessed child is for that child to stand up and say,"This is me! You need to decide whether or not you are going to love me just like I am. If you do, fine. If you don't, I will learn to live without it, but I am not going to spend another day of my life chasing a rainbow that has no pot of gold at the end.”

I was the unblessed child in my home. I guess you noticed that I was also the primary caregiver to two parents and a mother-in-law. The day came, and I have no idea how I got to that place, when I no longer cared whether or not they loved me. If I knew how to put that in a workable formula I would die rich, but all I know is that day came and I no longer cared. After that, I built a wonderful and healthy relationship with my parents. Did they finally bless me? I have no idea and do not care.