I spent quite a long time listening to a whole litany of complaints and anger coming from the mouth of one of the sweetest women I know. She had always dreaded going to a nursing home. Her mother had been a resident in a facility several years ago and the guilt she felt at not being able to give the care herself gradually convinced her that her mother received horrible care and died of a broken heart. She vowed it would never be her lot. She prayed that a stroke or heart attack would suddenly take her life so there would never be a chance that she would suffer the same fate as her mother. 

She exaggerated her mother's plight of course. Her mother received care that was as good as could be found at that time. Not like being at home of course, but no place is like home except home. 

Her prayers were not answered in the way she hoped. A series of strokes in her late eighties with one leading to a fall and a broken hip, meant she now lives in a group home. She is fortunate to be able to live there. She barely qualifies for the assisted living level of care offered by this facility, but she doesn’t see any luck at all. She begged a friend to "get me out of this prison and take me home with you."

She tells everyone who will listen how her daughter just walked in one morning and informed her that she was moving that day, with no warning, no discussion, no consideration to how she felt, and without bothering to consider any other options. 

I knew before I called that the move did not happen the way she now remembers it. Options had been looked at and exhausted. Full time nursing or at least full time company was provided until there was no way the cost could be afforded any longer. Discussions were held. I am not sure it could be called a discussion, it was more like explanations and rebuttal sessions. This may be the root of the problem even more so than the mother's fear and dread of nursing homes. 

 A lot of times it isn't where they must live it is who makes the decision. Far too often we talk about our aging loved ones instead of to them. Far too often we make decisions for them instead of with them. We think our explanations should be sufficient and take away all of the resistance and argument. I learned a long time ago that we cannot change the way people feel but just changing the way they think. Change happens when the person has been heard and understood. If they can be understood they can begin to move on. If they never feel understood they will park there and it can become an obsession that makes every one miserable.

We need to forget our arguments, can our explanations, and try to simply understand what they are feeling and trying to say. It is a scary thing to do and sounds like it will make it much worse, but it works.

I called and she started in immediately. "Can you believe that I am having to live in this place? Can you imagine what it feels like to have your daughter walk in one morning and announce that you are moving that day with no warning and no time to prepare?" I could go on with a long list of "can you's" but the point is made.

My response to each case was the same, I simply said, "I know that must hurt and I am very sorry you are having to experience this." No explanation. No justification. No argument. No spin doctoring to make her see the bright side. Just a simple "that must hurt and I am sorry." 

Her response was immediate. She thanked me over and over for understanding and moved the conversation to other things. She had found at least one person who was simply trying to understand how she felt and why she felt it. I offered not cure. I offered no cheer-up message or pressure. I did not explain the reasons. I just tried to respond to her pain, and that is what she was really looking for.

Will one phone call cure her? Probably not. I am not the real person she needs to understand. I wrote her daughter and suggested that she try something similar to see if it would work. I emphasized that we need to get rid of the "Now mother you know" messages. There is nothing we can say after that opening statement that is good or helpful. It means we are going to explain it again and it means we are going to trivialize the pain instead of understanding it. 

Most of the time all we really want is for someone to listen and understand.