They can’t seem to get through to him no matter what they say or who says it. He cannot drive but he slips off and drives his pickup around the farm. He is either hitting trees or ditches the whole time. He cannot walk without help but he tries to climb the stairs and falls at least once a day. His vegetable garden is his life and he can’t stand the thought of weeds not being cleared out so he tries to get there to work. That is why he drives the pickup. They have a nurse on duty to care for him and his wife who has some form of dementia, but he refuses to allow her to give him a bath and, as a result, does not bathe for several days at a stretch.
They have talked and fussed and pled to no avail. There was almost panic in their voices as they asked me “How to we talk to such a hard headed old man who will not listen?” My response was, “You do not talk until first you listen.” I am no miracle worker but I have learned one valuable thing about communication even with us old men, that thing is, it is not what we say nor how we say it, it is when we say it that matters. After they know you have heard them, you can say anything you want to without offending them and with great hopes of being heard. Anything you say before you have heard them can be offensive and most likely will not be heard.
The man in question is facing some massive changes and hurtful losses in his life. He needs to work through those losses and the emotions involved slowly on his own schedule. He needs someone to listen and understand what he is feeling. When we tell him what he should do without hearing what he feels his defenses go up, his ears shut off and he most likely decides to do what he wants to and ignore the advice.
I think one of the major reasons us older folks have a difficult time adjusting to new living situations is no one listens to our grief from the losses of home, social life, church life, and our own little world where we shop and get our needs met. When we must leave these even if it is our decision and no matter where we move to, there is grief involved. Far too often we are not allowed to express this grief and our efforts are met with arguments about how much better things are now and we are left feeling silly for the way we feel. Instead of being understood, we are overwhelmed with overly positive pictures of how wonderful our life is now.
After a talk I made on this subject a man said, “My father had to sell his farm in Indiana and move in with us. He was born on that farm and so was his father before him, and he seems to want to talk about the farm almost constantly, but we are afraid to let him do so for fear that will only make it worse. From what you said in your speech we should let him tell us how much he misses the farm.” I said, “I will get on both knees and beg you to let him do so.” Can you imagine what feelings of pain and even failure he must feel being the one who failed to keep the farm in the family, and now living with someone who changes the subject every time he tries to talk about those feelings? That can lead so some real problems with depression.
A couple of women told of their problems communicating with their mother. They heard my speech and wanted me to know that they had done what I had called for. They said, “We have told mother that we understand that the transition is hard and that she has lost some things dear to her heart, but it does no good.” I said, “You need to make a choice. You can either be a listener or a teller. You can’t be both. When you tell someone how they feel you are not allowing them to tell you how they feel and it doesn’t work.”
Of course they may not come to the conclusions we want, but it is amazing how many times they will work through to a good and logical decision if they are not under pressure and feel the need to defend themselves from the onslaught of opinions and directions. Us hard headed old men need listening ears far more than we need even logical tongues.