He is eighty-four and has been in rather remarkable shape all of his life. For the last several years, he has been the primary caregiver for his wife who is the victim of Alzheimer’s. They live on a small farm and his great love has been a rather large garden, actually large enough to be what is often called a truck farm. He grows enough vegetables to feed all of his friends and give the rest to meals on wheels. His garden has become his life. Then he had a stroke. He should not have pulled through but he did and he should not be able to walk but he can. Working in his garden gave him stamina and health that makes his recovery quite remarkable. Even so, he is facing some very hard limitations. When I went to visit with him the first thing he said was, "I can’t work in my garden anymore and I don’t think they will let me drive my car." 

The family did a rather remarkable thing. Instead of telling him what he could not do, they allowed him to make the discovery for himself. They took him to the farm for a visit. He insisted on driving his pickup to the garden and they let him do so. He nearly hit every tree on the place, backed into a fence made of railroad cross ties and then did it again. The family did nothing. He might hurt his rather ancient pickup but he was going slow enough that he could not hurt himself. The next thing they knew he was on his mower trying to cut the grass and wobbled all over the place. He got lost trying to get back to the house. No one said a word or pointed out any flaws. They just let him reach his own conclusions. When they got back to the house he told them he could not drive any more and could not work his garden. It was sad of course and he will need someone to listen to his grieving over these losses, but at least he did not have a great deal of resentment towards the family because they took things away from him. 

Us old folks feel the loss of control and independence very deeply and with great fear. We need a great deal of help and patience as we face the loss of things very dear to us. Unfortunately, very few of us have farms where old men can prove to themselves that they need to quit driving, but at least they should be part of the conversation instead of being fussed at or made fun of and then told. Families do far too much talking about us old folks and far too little talking with us. We may be old and forgetful and have no idea that we are either, but we still have our pride and still want as much independence as possible.

Of course, talking and reasoning will not work with everyone. The very fact that we have lived this long means we are too stubborn to die. We are opinionated, hard headed and have no idea that we are as old as we are. All the accidents we are involved in are someone else’s fault and we have no idea how many accidents we have caused others to have trying to avoid hitting us. So some families reading this will have to force their loved one to quit driving. I suggest that families ask for help from the physician. Most of us old people will listen to our doctors more than to almost anyone else. Even if we don’t, it is better for us to be mad at the doctor than at our kids.

Then, when the decision is made, someone needs to understand the deep wound these losses of freedom brings and should offer an ear to hear the significance of that loss. A listening ear doesn’t take the pain away nor make the inconvenience and the loss of independence go away, but it sure does make it more bearable. 

Aging is a process of facing losses. Losses need shoulders to cry on and ears to understand.

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