I had the opportunity to tour the American Cemetery in Manila. I have toured several of our overseas cemeteries but, in my opinion, the one in Manila is the most impressive and beautiful. In addition to what seems like acres of white crosses and Star of David’s there is a central chapel and two walkways with large columns containing the names of the ones whose bodies were never found. There are 36,000 names on those columns. Three fifths of all of the missing in action from World War II are inscribed there. 

As I walked among the columns I realized the son of a friend of mine was on a Japanese hospital ship that was sunk when our forces did not realize it was a hospital ship. As I wondered if he was remembered on one of the columns, I walked up to his name. I took many pictures of his name and the beautiful surroundings of this place of peace. When I returned home and showed the pictures to my friend who had no idea his name was memorialized anywhere, I realized how important it is to have a place of memory for loved ones.

I have nothing against having bodies cremated. That is a matter of choice. I do stress to families that, while it sounds romantic to scatter the ashes of a loved one in some dramatic place, I don’t think they should scatter all of them. Save some to be buried in a special place where the name and life will be remembered. 

We need a place where the life is memorialized. We know the person is not there, but it is like an old monk said when asked why he took such care of the stones in a cemetery, “They still have their names, they will always have their names.”

Some get more out of visiting a grave site than do others of course, but somehow it helps knowing the name is there. I often must reassure folks that there is nothing wrong with their going to the cemetery and doing so as often as they wish. That does not mean they are wallowing in their grief, it just means they find peace and communication there. 

I toured Arlington Cemetery very soon after 9/11. The tour was conducted by the superintendent of the cemetery who has spent most of his life there and has knowledge about the place that would be hard to duplicate. As the tour progressed he suddenly told us we would need to be quiet. We were approaching the place where several of those killed in the Pentagon were buried and a family member was there. I saw a man about my age kneeling at a grave moving stones. Since the Jewish tradition is to leave a stone when they visited a grave, I assumed the man was of that faith. I became so fascinated watching him that I almost missed the rest of the tour, but as I left I thanked God that man had a place. I could not imagine what it must be like to have a loved one go to work one morning and never be seen again. That made the devastation at the World Trade Center so much harder to bear. Loved ones seemed to have just vanished. Never seen again. No chance to say goodbye. Just gone. We produced and donated a small book trying to help those families cope with facing the reality of a loss with no reality to cling to. 

For those who read this on the Elder Care side of the site, as you begin thinking about the end of life decisions, think in terms of there always being a place where the loved one is honored and remembered. 

For those reading this on the Grief side, it is not too late to establish a place. Even if your loved one was cremated and scattered, there are many opportunities for plaques to be placed, trees planted, or even a private place in the home. 

Grief is a journey from seeing our loved ones face to face to experiencing them in our hearts. At first it feels strange to talk to a lost love, and we wonder if we are losing our minds, but there is nothing wrong with doing so. It does not fit everyone’s personality or need, but thousands of folks seem to find peace from a sense of the loved one’s presence. Many of them feel that best when at the place set aside to honor their loved one. If it works for you, don’t let anyone make light of it.

No one is dead until they are forgotten. Places of honor say they will never be forgotten. They also say we have a place to go feel close to them for a little while.